[00:00:01] Blank Check with Griffin and David, Blank Check with Griffin and David Don't know what to say or to expect All you need to know is that the name of the show is Blank Check Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm laying down?
[00:00:35] I knew that you could, slide me some skin, soul podcast Wow, is that a good part of the movie? I think that's a funny part You don't think that's funny? I think it's engrossing Like I'm interested that he's doing it Here's another one Oh boy
[00:00:52] Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable But that is called cannibalism my dear children And is in fact frowned upon in most podcasts That moment is pretty funny I think that's the funniest line in the movie No, no, no, no, no
[00:01:05] The funniest moment in the movie is indisputable Funny as line Okay, well it comes with a line Which is when they're in the elevator And he's like this is like the doll treatment ward You know like we're all the That one's recent That is so good
[00:01:21] When they're on the gummy Viking boat The whole movie should be that Go on, yeah When they're on the gummy Viking boat and they go past the door that says hair cream Missy Paul's like what's that for And he's like for shine and fall Yeah, yeah, that's funny
[00:01:32] That shit's funny That shit's funny This one's got jokes Sure I just had forgotten how many jokes it has It's, I mean apart from that Alright, well introduce the movie Introduce the podcast, introduce the guest Let's talk about it Hello everybody, my name is Griffin Newman
[00:01:50] I'm David Sims This is Blind Check with Griffin And David and the chocolate factory Uh-huh It's a podcast about filmographies Directors who have massive success early on in their career Given a series of blind checks to make whatever Crazy passion projects they want Sometimes those checks clear
[00:02:07] Sometimes they bounce baby And sometimes the directors just spend a decade Readapting other people's properties Pretty much Yeah Kind of the opposite of the blind check Although this one feels like they really let him do Whatever he wanted With this Sure The bull gets that in a second
[00:02:25] We're talking about the films of Tim Burton Uh-huh This main series is called Podward Scissorcast Yes And we have a great guest today Who has not spoken yet, so I'm not going to introduce them I'm gonna wait Until they feel like they are compelled to butt in Hi
[00:02:43] Hey everybody, Pilar Vero is here They're back Uh, War Horse, when was War Horse? It's a while ago You've had people at Screenings quote Uh, I wanna fuck that horse to you Yeah Yeah, it's really uncomfortable Cause it stands context We just go, hey pilot
[00:03:04] Wanna fuck that horse And I think it was a screening for like a really sad movie too Right, it was like Son of Saul And someone came up to you and said Pilot Wanna fuck that horse, huh? Oh boy Uh, April 2017 A couple years ago
[00:03:18] A couple years ago Wow, wow, too long Beginning of this main series which started, I don't know, 1987 Ionic, yes, right, yeah During the Eisenhower administration I threw out to you, are there any you'd wanna talk about Before we had really booked any of them
[00:03:33] I want to make sure we got you on this main series And you said I'm a pretty big defender of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory And I said thank god Because at this point in the miniseries I'm really gonna be working to like build defenses For these movies
[00:03:46] David's gonna be so tapped out Right That's not exactly how it's played out No, I'm tapped out Ben is fully tapped out I feel pretty worn out By Burton Yeah, just by like so exclusively existing in this realm for a long time
[00:04:02] But this was your dream to discuss Timothy Burton I don't dislike it and I'm not saying that I regret it But I do feel a little tired Sure It's maybe like you eat too much candy and your tummy starts hurting
[00:04:15] Well at this point we only have two more Burton's to do And they're both kinda good ones One of them we think is probably his best of this decade Yes And the other one is at least interesting Oh no, no, no, if you're including the Dumbo that's three
[00:04:31] We have to do What's the other one I'm forgetting? Big guys I think Oh yes Okay, so two films, right Two more interesting His two ones that aren't him taking some fucking property At this time we've been recording a lot of order
[00:04:46] We have left to do Sweeney and Big Eyes And then Dumbo will come out This is one of the ones that I feel like people hand wave They just kinda go like It's easy to hand wave because they go like Man, it's not the original
[00:05:00] And the original is such a lightning in a bottle movie See I don't like the original I don't like the original I don't like it at all I think that's why I like this one so much So I'll say this Pilot and I are aligned
[00:05:11] Or at least I was not like When this was coming out it wasn't like It was a sacred text The book was very sacred I'd write it over and over again This feels a little more like the book than the original does That's why I like it
[00:05:21] Because I thought the original wasn't at all like the book Like it was kind of too happy and not creepy enough I mean this is very much filtered through the Tim Burton thing It's not just a didactic adaptation of the Raw Doll book
[00:05:31] But this feels closer in tone to Raw Doll Than any other aptation of his work I'm saying What are the other Well James and the Giant Peach is pretty good It's pretty good, I'd put that number two The BFG is okay I'm sorry you mean the BFJ
[00:05:45] Come on, where's the BFG? What does he think of Charlie at the Jagga Factory? It's in Waffles chocolate scrumptious witches, fishes, wasps BFJ Matilda's kind of weird Matilda's good There are some good dolls Witches is good The Nicholas Rogue Witches movie that is so bizarre that it exists
[00:06:02] Yeah that one's weird That movie frightened me as a child Which now Robert Zemeckis Bobby Z is doing his weird Don't do that The Old Witches Yeah Netflix is doing a bunch of Raw Doll Are they? Yeah I think they're doing it as like a series
[00:06:16] Like each episode's gonna be a different Raw Doll book or something There are a lot of those good ones that you can't really Really adapt to full length But like the twitches, is that what they were called? The Twits The Twits Are they adapting that? They should
[00:06:29] I always fucking love that Me too, I really liked it was also short so I could read it But like that one's kind of like horrifying My favorite They just hate each other Well that one's like pretty naked Like it's not really a plot
[00:06:40] They just are trying to kill each other I think it was the funniest fucking thing when I was a kid Did you read this one? Yes Yeah that was my favorite cause it's so fucked up I think I read all of them The Twits is in here
[00:06:51] You know All of us must have been Raw Doll kids Like big Raw Doll kids Cause we all have that sensibility And when you're a kid and you're reading children's books And you're like Give me the thing that's got the anchor I feel inside My child's stomach
[00:07:03] You know Give me the thing that has as like Terrified a view of the world as I have Mm-hmm And I yeah I liked all the Raw Doll movies growing up And I was a big fan of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
[00:07:16] Or really Wonka and the Chocolate Factory But it's not a movie I place on like Mount Olympus I do think it's one of those things He's a jerk I could never get over it He's so mean in that movie I love that performance
[00:07:27] I think Gene Wilder is incredible I love Gene Wilder Not no beef with Gene I think this movie's more interesting Cause they do not for a second try to make him Like Even slightly cute Right Because they just so fully own the fact that
[00:07:41] Willy Wonka's like a creep and an asshole Yeah, I guess so Which I feel like turned off a lot of people And I think he watched it today And it's like a pretty daring choice Especially at a time when everyone still loved Johnny Depp
[00:07:52] When he had not turned into Grindelwald We can talk about this I think they make him a creep I don't think they make him an asshole I think he's an asshole in this movie I mean He's kind of an asshole He's not very nice, I suppose
[00:08:03] He's an asshole But there's no nuance to the performance I think there's a lot of nuance I think it's just this cold stiff, tired performance Ben are you into the Tim Burton movies? No I'm done with him Can I ask which is your favorite? Movie of Tim Burton?
[00:08:23] Yeah Beetle Beetle You like the juice You like to drink some juice You know what? I need some juice right now Okay, Ben is vaping Producer Ben is vaping Ben Deucer is vaping Oh yeah, that's it The Haas Mr. Positive Mr. Haas I've been drooling
[00:08:40] Now to a point where I don't smoke cigarettes Tiebreaker Fart Detect They've meet lover Kamish The Booker Books Soak in my Benny White Hop Benny Dirt Bike Benny This is graduating to certain titles Over the course of different movies Such as Kylo Ben Producer Ben Kenobi
[00:08:58] Ben Aichon one Ben Sate Ben Anything Dot Dot Dot Ailey Ben's With The Dollar Sign War Haas Ben Nineteen The Fennellmaker Ben Glish Mr. Incredible Eat Drink Ben Haasly Am I forgetting any? Probably Probably, what's the Nancy one? Oh, The Haasl Day There you go
[00:09:18] What's this Burton one? Who knows? Who can say? Yeah But didn't someone have Ben Wait, no Dumbo Haasbo I'm trying to remember I feel like... Bold Calling it The one I like the most And it's a little untraditional Because it doesn't include Your name in it
[00:09:36] It's more describing you Is Beetlevape Juice Oh, yeah, that's it That's a good one Beetlevape Juice You got it That one is good And it doesn't have Ben or Haas in it Which is sort of like Exactly, we need a little bit of variety Because that's
[00:09:50] That's stretch where I go Mr. Incredible Right, right Penglish Eat Drink Ben Haasly Very funny But his name's in it Right Beetlevape Juice Mm-hmm I'm calling my shot now I think that's good So In the early 90s Warner Brothers Who had Purchased the rights To Willy Wonka From
[00:10:10] Paramount In like the 70s and 80s Warner Brothers Started buying other companies' films For home video Which ended up being A really smart decision for them Willy Wonka And the Chuck Factory is Paramount, right? It was Paramount They did the Wildner movie Now Paramount released it
[00:10:24] But how did the movie get made? Mel Stewart Who was like a British TV film director Yeah His daughter read the book Said, can you please make a movie out of this Mm-hmm And ask like Uncle George Or whatever his name was Who was his producing partner Mm-hmm
[00:10:37] And he called up His producing partner And the producing partner went Ooh, good timing I've been talking to Quaker Oats I've got this chocolate factory on my hands No, do you know what it was? No, boy He was talking to Quaker Oats And Quaker Oats was like
[00:10:49] We want to go into candy bars Okay And they pitched to Quaker Oats If you put up Three million dollars Okay Quaker Oats fully financed the movie Okay If you put up three million dollars This is the perfect opportunity To launch a candy bar Oh, and so they
[00:11:05] Did they have like the Wonka brand? They bought it Right They bought the rights So that they could make the film And make the candy bar Right Quaker Oats fully funded And produced this film Paramount got distribution rights But it was a movie made by Not a studio
[00:11:21] But by a food company That's bizarre Very bizarre And Roldell hated it Didn't like it He wrote the script They took it away from him They rewrote it They added songs That were not his songs Because the book has songs The book has songs They're weird, but Right
[00:11:36] They're in it He thought it was too trickly And the film does okay When it comes out But it sort of grows and grows It doesn't do well Yeah Four million dollars Especially over home video It becomes a huge thing And cable TV replaying
[00:11:47] A lot of this is Warners and, you know Ted Turner playing on TNT All these fucking things, right? This is one of those movies like The Wizard of Oz Like Citizen Kane That Warner Brothers acquired Over a period of time When Warner Brothers Home Video Library
[00:12:05] And TV Library just became So fucking robust It's not the early 90s And Willy Wonka has officially become Like this family classic movie That everyone loves And it's like one of the most Parodied things in pop culture Sure And like the Candy Man
[00:12:18] And these songs are all, you know And the notion of the Golden Ticket I mean think about how many TV shows Have done their Willy Wonka parody episode The 30 lock one It's always like stuck in my head Right, it's just like one of those things
[00:12:31] That's like in the tapestry I feel like every two years There's a Willy Wonka sketch on SNL Or saying there's recently Two grandpa Joe sketches Without Willy Wonka which is weird The one that sticks in my head This is Griffin's pop culture obsession Is SNL's Unconnected Charlie
[00:12:46] They always do it Yeah, I'm trying to figure out If these sketches take place In the same timeline Because they've had two Pete Davidson Grandpa Joe sketches And they don't seem to shake hands With each other Do you remember when Al Gore hosted And they did this sketch
[00:12:58] That was Al Gore as like Like Stephen Wonka Was Willy Wonka's brotherhood To take care of the books For the trunk of Beijing No, but that sounds like a perfect Al Gore sketch It was a perfect Al Gore sketch And it was just Al Gore being like
[00:13:11] Was that the one he hosted Where the opening monologue is Where he's president And everything is nice Yes Yeah, I've seen that Right, and then that was Like the best sketch that he had Was him like in the wig And the suit and everything Right
[00:13:23] Being like, Wilbur, this is unsustainable We can't have a chocolate river Running all the time Right, right, right Really good sketch I see him, yeah Yeah, he looks funny He looks like Gene Wilder Yeah And that's a man who Almost was president There he is Yeah
[00:13:42] So they try to re-acquire The remake rights Because I think they just had Distribution in the original movie And not the rights So they go to the doll estate And the doll estate is like We didn't like that last movie We'll give you the rights
[00:13:55] But condition on us Signing off on the actor And the director And so the movies and development Held throughout the entirety of the 90s And there are always these Dreamers coming out of Whoever the biggest star is at the time And usually the director
[00:14:08] They'd pair him up with Was whoever had directed The most recent family comedy Okay They were always going like Family movie Gary Ross Tried to make it with Nicholas Cage Is that right? Yes, Rob Minkoff Who directed Adam Sandler is the one That like destroyed me
[00:14:22] Just thinking of him Being Willy Wonka They tried to do it You would just yell You would just be yelling And I would love it so much That sounds good Jim Carrey Wait a second Jim Carrey and Tom Shadyak Right, I mean Carrey does seem like
[00:14:34] It's almost crazy That didn't happen Warner Brothers was pushing for it Really hard And the doll estate Would not have it And they were like Here's Tom Shadyak He just did Liar Liar But they were like He's a hack Like fuck it Right, they were like
[00:14:48] We want someone who's got an actual vision And they kept on picking Whoever made a big comedy Or whoever made a big family movie And pairing up with either That moment's hottest dramatic star Or comedic star And packaging is an obvious kind of thing
[00:14:59] Rob Minkoff is the guy Who made Stuart Little Right And he directed The Lion King And then Stuart Little Was his first real Right Yeah, it's a real movie Stuart Little is so good Stuart Little is He fucks Doesn't fuck He does fuck He has that car
[00:15:13] He fucks You don't remember that scene Where Stuart Little takes his car out And goes clubbing Now he's cozy magnet Yeah His little car And he fucks a couple people in the bathroom Isn't that movie like 78 minutes long It's like one of those
[00:15:25] I think that's Stuart Little too Oh really Stuart Little 1 has a pretty robust narrative Stuart Little 2 is 77 minutes long Right, thank you I knew it That's a perfect length for a movie Stuart Little 1 is a whole 84 minutes long Right, robust Right Stuart Little
[00:15:41] Do you like Stuart Little 2 more Because that feels a little more like a pilot movie I can't remember anything about Stuart Little It's a little heavy on the board James Woods is like an evil falcon And the whole movie is like Stuart Little hanging ten He's like tubular
[00:15:54] The poster's him with like a helmet Like catch and some air So it's like Stuart Little X games? Yes, exactly Okay, I probably love that Yes I should watch it Yeah, it's like most extreme One of those movies that only Happened in like a one month
[00:16:07] You know what I mean Like everything that they were trying to Appeal to about like Stuart Little is gone Stuart Little was a hit And then they were like You know what else is a hit Tony Hawk for N64 Exactly It's just funny that he has a helmet
[00:16:19] When they're like That mouse better wear a helmet though Because kids need to learn to save money Right And he's doing the What's the hand gesture called The shocker Yeah Yeah, he's doing You know Yeah, it's like the hanging ten Yeah Totally tubular
[00:16:33] But these are the kind of Directors they want And they never ever Get the doll estate approval Sure And I think You know, Brilstein Grey has been on this movie Forever At this point Brilstein Grey has become Plan B So Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston
[00:16:50] Are with Brad Grey Trying to develop this thing And Parts of Caribbean comes out And it's 2003 Humongous fucking hit Yeah And suddenly they go like Oh, what about Tim Burton And Johnny Depp Right Because now Johnny Depp is A viable leading man For a big blockbuster
[00:17:09] His weirdness has been approved By the American public It's cool And Tim Burton had made Most of his film to help Warner Brothers Now I distinctly remember Because over the years you'd hear all these rumors The weirdest one was that De Niro and Scorsese Were gonna do it
[00:17:24] Which they apparently considered it for a moment You want my fucking chocolate or not That would also be great The De Niro face throughout the entire movie It's just casino but I used to do that As one of my stand-up bits When I was 11
[00:17:37] And I did stand-up for kids That was my stand-up bit Was I would do my impression of Robert De Niro doing Trilane's chocolate Please I would do whatever the fuck I said This is like some Green Book bullshit Would Joe Pesci play the
[00:17:53] All the like D.E. Roy style Yeah, and I probably did a Pesci voice Right Yeah I did a bit that was like weird remakes I forget what the rest of them were You remember every single word of that bit I did a Sam Mendes E.T.
[00:18:06] Which was just E.T. American beauty Which was really weird That was sweaty That sounds more than sweaty That sounds like like malarial Like words like you You're like about to die It was drenched You're right It was flop sweat But I had always said
[00:18:24] They should let Tim Burton and Johnny Depp make it Because I was the weird Tim Burton and Johnny Depp kid Right So when they announced that they were doing it My dad, like I remember like Held up the right It was like do he defeat Truman
[00:18:36] He like walks into your room with the paper Right now he's walking out of school kissing Cause of course it was front page news Right I was dipping nurses in the street And kissing them How old did you have been in 2003 When this was announced I was 14
[00:18:51] But I had been saying I wanted this movie Since I was 11 Sure You know I was like here's the smart idea Why don't they give it to the two weirdest guys In Hollywood Whoa Cause if you're gonna make another Chocolate Factory movie It's gotta be twisted
[00:19:03] So it felt very vindicating And I was super hyped up for this movie And I liked it a lot But it is incredibly strange And I feel like at the time People who like hold the original As the sort of immaculate work were very against this movie
[00:19:20] G. Wilder publicly was like This movie sucks It was money grubbing money grubbers There's no reason to remake it Right I think I had two hits on it One was like You just remade Charlie and the Chocolate Factory But now the lead has no charisma
[00:19:35] So what's up with that And then two was the more like Wide spread like this thing has so much CGI Like what's going on there Right like that I think that's the valid argument to make about this movie This movie does not look great
[00:19:46] The CGI age is very poorly The sets look great The sets are good And it's on their own practical environment So good The CGI looks really bad in this movie But It made a lot of money It was fairly well reviewed
[00:20:00] But then I feel like it's now had this sort of legacy Of just like You know like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory But the original Not that Johnny Depple shit Oh my god either of them I mean that's not true
[00:20:10] I like this one more than the Wilder one The Wilder one is so mean So what are your problems with the original Pilot I don't like G. Wilder in it that much And I also just find most of it boring And it's just like
[00:20:23] I thought the book was super dark When I was a kid And so I wanted to have a super dark like adaptation And that was not it Aside from like the one tunnel scene Like everything else is just like Blank to me Right
[00:20:34] Which I feel like people talk People talk about that movie as like Oh that's one of those kids movies that's like Actually fucked up Cause the tunnel scene is scary Like it's the only scene That's the only bit And the rest of it That bit's good
[00:20:44] I mean it is good Yeah I like that movie I just think this Willy Wonka Makes more sense as a character Neither is quite right to me But sure I think this one's closer Aside from the daddy issues The daddy stuff We're gonna talk about it
[00:20:59] I like the daddy stuff Yeah you like the daddy stuff I'll say this A very weird movie To watch And this was a mistake on my part The day after you watch All four hours of leaving Netherland Oh boy Not a good double feature Which I accidentally
[00:21:16] Even though D.E.P. on the record And I literally like texted pilot this week Being like it's so weird that he's doing A Michael Jackson thing And then D.E.P. on the record Was like I wasn't I was doing some other shit
[00:21:27] It's Anna Wintour meets Captain King That was his defense He's doing Michael Jackson Not exclusively Even if he's not trying to Like he is kind of Like the paleness And this sort of weird hair I think it's very subconscious And then his big defense he would use
[00:21:43] Is it's not like Michael Jackson at all Because Michael Jackson loves kids And Willy Wonka, my character, hates kids Great defense But then after After watching Leaving Netherland you're like I wish Michael Jackson hated kids more Oh my god I wish he hated them
[00:21:59] Here's, okay so the original The Wilder Yeah I don't like that he yells at them at the end I just hate that Yeah I just think it sucks And it's stupid And it ruins like the whole movie for me Interesting Those kids suck
[00:22:12] The final scene when he like yells At Charlie and the office The fake out You know The other kids suck too I mean except for Violet Beauregard Who's a fucking legend And should have won Best Score in actress? Sure Or the competition The competition
[00:22:27] She should win the competition Well she's a champion Yeah exactly She's good What does she do? She choose gum? Yeah Like and dolls like center Straight to hell Hell That's where she goes Blow her up Yeah exactly She's too competitive Okay Isn't it a competition? Yeah you're right
[00:22:44] I get his beef Where it's like You know, Augustus is like a glutton Like And Veruca's spoiled Yeah MikeTV He's American? I guess it's sort of the beef with MikeTV Well it all hated television Right, watch too much TV And then the other idea is that he's like
[00:23:00] He's too violent might be Right Because in the book he's obsessed with gangster films In the Gene Wilder film it's westerns And in this it's video games But either way he's constantly like He's like peeing Right Fine American to me Sort of grinding an axe against American Right
[00:23:16] And then what is Violet choose gum Which is a filthy habit I guess She's too driven Yeah Considering it's a Rawl Doll book A little surprise that one of the kids isn't a Jew Oh I had to say it You did not He's an anti-Semite
[00:23:29] He had some problems The book has some problems Well Johnny Depp is a freakin' creep We should say that too Yeah we said it at the same time I'm saying it again You know how many times we have to bring that up We'll say it again
[00:23:42] He's once again like two more movies after this one Okay So hot takes in this episode We're calling out Rawl Doll Johnny Depp No good Michael Jackson Jackson And we said this We don't like you Willy Wonka an asshole Well I call him out
[00:23:58] So you want me to take in a stance I'm taking stances Here's my thing on Wonka Yeah I don't like the dad thing I know that's a regular opinion That lots of people have Yeah I've never gotten that I like the dad
[00:24:09] He should be like an elemental creature That like you just don't understand Like that's what I like about Willy Wonka Where it's like he just doesn't make any sense Nothing about him makes sense I don't want him to have like parents Who had like sex I like
[00:24:22] It's like his birth though And be like yeah Willy Wonka that's his name I like them doing the math on Wonka And being like this is why he's fucked up And this is how it manifests And maybe he has such a prickly character
[00:24:33] I'd like not know why he's fucked up Well I think the thought A point of the pilot in the Greens The thought is that's what they did In the Gene Wilder movies So why not do something different here You've already made the sort of Which I get
[00:24:44] And I get neither of you like the Wilder performance But for a lot of people they view that as This is the elemental He's just sort of a magical force performance I don't mind the Wilder performance He's very arresting The opening bit It's great It's a great bit
[00:24:57] Where he's like got the cane Great bit Right One of the better bits Which he said 10 out of 10 bit He wasn't his whole pitch Like I want to do that He pitched on that bit And he said I'll do the movie if I can do this
[00:25:08] Because from that moment on You don't know whether the character's lying Or telling the truth Now I think as you said The problem with the performance If you want to get technical about it And what it does to the movie is It then implies that he is
[00:25:21] A nice guy pretending to be an asshole Right Which is very weird Right That every time he's acting like an asshole Or he's like I know how I'll suss these children out I'll be an asshole Right Why Right Which is Also his system is bad What Five tickets
[00:25:37] Yeah That's your sample size You have four asshole kids And one kid who's boring Like he wins by default Although none of it like Just getting a ticket doesn't prepare you to own a factory No Like I feel like there's a lot more training You need to go
[00:25:50] Just with the algorithm What if we're going to talk about What if the back of the ticket had instructions On how to own a factory In a really tiny print Listen I got a sound off on Grandpa Joe Okay Here we go Oh whoa Oh Hold on
[00:26:05] Hold on I'm just going to make your mouth Pete Davidson quickly Okay All of a sudden Somebody can dance He's been sitting in bed Getting cabbage soup fed to him You know what Ben's doing this in a foot Stripper dollar bill symbol for cabbage soup
[00:26:20] As soon as that gold shines Somebody conveniently can dance Yeah Cause he's got a golden ticket How do they go to the bathroom too What are they In the bed What are you talking about They probably have like And there are buckets under them No I think
[00:26:33] That's why they're the bucket family You guys are being ridiculous There aren't buckets in the bed They piss and shit on each other's legs Oh jeez That's what they do Come on let's not be silly here No jokes They piss and shit on each other's legs
[00:26:45] It is weird how hungry they are But they live a long time There is something good That's the buckets have that going for So I should just walk in and be like My grandpa is like a thousand years old He only eats cabbage soup And look at him
[00:26:58] He's fine He hasn't got out of bed For months And now he's dancing Year of dance I mean I like to think he's just faking And once everyone's sleeping He just goes and hangs out Yeah he goes to the bar I do like that
[00:27:12] I mean we'll get to it But in the original It's like What's his name? Jack Albertson You mean the actor? Yeah I don't fucking know That guy He was very wonderful Gets up and does this really elegant musical number And then in this one Grandpa gets up
[00:27:28] And does a kind of disturbing dance Where he seems like he's possessed Like I like that in this When the grandpa's health is better All of them are kind of creeped out Sure Like they're like what the fuck is going on with grandpa? They're not charmed by it
[00:27:41] No This movie doesn't want to charm you No and casting Jack Kelly is a choice too David Kelly David Kelly, sorry Why do you think that's a choice? Because he's a very weird actor Sure Like he's got an odd offbeat energy He seems not into it
[00:27:58] Like I don't mean the actor But like grandpa Joe Yeah He's just like not been into it I mean he's too old He doesn't care about anything That's how I want to be when I'm moving Like he's going to have a factory
[00:28:08] For like two days and then die I feel like also with this movie Once they get into the chocolate factory They're kind of less interested In grandpa Joe and Charlie Until the end of the movie The original like checks in with them a lot
[00:28:22] The original is more about them being in the factory Right It's like always through their eyes They constantly have these side conversations About like there's an amazing Charlie Yeah This one is very much more just like They're kind of just standing there
[00:28:34] There's a lot of things in this movie feel that way But like where they're sort of like Now we have to do this bit Let's do it You know like it feels Sometimes feels a little perfunctory It does Yeah And then Burton comes alive with the weird shit
[00:28:45] Like Christopher Lee's his dad And it's a dentist And then you're like oh he likes this Do I like this? Look the movie is not totally cohesive But He does feel alive in this I mean he's making like exciting choices You feel like
[00:28:59] Much more so than like Alice in Wonderland This movie has comic energy to it The way that Alice doesn't A way that Dark Shadows can't sustain Sure The Oompa Loompa backstory I really liked There's so much stuff this is so weird
[00:29:11] It's so weird but I kind of liked it I thought it was just silly To add to the like Is it in the book? I think it is It's sort of in the It's a little different I mean they're always from like Yeah Old Dump is canceled
[00:29:25] You know like Darkest Africa Like you know they're always like From a mysterious far off place Initially they were literally black In the book And someone pointed it out to Rolto That it was like so racist And he was like It is racist I'm gonna change it
[00:29:43] Like everyone was like See he changed it It's like okay I'm glad he learned Right He was never racist again Exactly It was like well he did change it Okay yeah But to make them like An identical pygmy species Right where they're just You know whatever They're different
[00:30:00] They're from far away But I do like that scene I like the backstory of like Willy Wonka with the The chocolate palace That was good Like I like the way they sort of Build up the character I mean they do a really good job Of just like
[00:30:13] All those things not showing his face For the first like 30 or 40 minutes And building up the mythology of this guy Because I'll say The original maybe like Sells you harder on the magic of candy Like you can't Discredit how effective that Candy man song is
[00:30:30] And just like as a starting point Being like okay I guess Chocolate fucking rules You know from the starting of the movie This movie like Dolls good at that too Just in general He really makes you want that Fucking candy
[00:30:42] I remember seeing this movie with my friend Daniel And when they get to the factory He just went like Wait why does everyone Care this much about candy Like the movie doesn't make us strong Of a case for candy as it does For Willy Wonka as like
[00:30:52] This crazy mythic figure You know It is weird that Like what if like Nestle was like Come to the Nestle factory I'd be like no thanks Like why What am I going to see there Right Right First of all you think like It would just be a boring
[00:31:09] Stereo like robot Client I mean I'm assuming the Nestle factory Doesn't have like oompa loompas Who sing when children basically die Alright They actually do have that But it's also They actually do It's also a stereo and automated Kind of boring Kind of like Amish people
[00:31:26] Amish would be good If they were a bunch of Amish people That would rule on What if Willy Wonka's big beard Was like he was like an escaped Amish boy Yeah And like That's so much better than just Like an angry dentist dad He'd been like
[00:31:40] I want to be both an industrialist And a chocolatier And they're like Those are not Amish things We're not into those things That was one of the cleanest Average we've had to find A fucking dead Fucking dead Alright You know what I love about that Damn Candyman guy?
[00:31:56] Yeah It's so easy to get on the same page as him I feel like he walks in And everyone immediately gets What's going on Yeah Yeah So anyway We were talking about Charlie and the chocolate factory Right Right Well let's start at the beginning Of this movie Sure
[00:32:16] I think the first 30 minutes Of this movie are perfect I think all the Charlie Bucket family stuff In this movie is perfect Pilot, can you weigh on Amish? I love Freddie Heimor Freddie Heimor? Rules The good doctor himself He's a good doctor He's such a good doctor
[00:32:32] And also this He's a really good kid Can I tell you my favorite good doctor episode? What? It's a two-potter Have you watched every episode? No, the premise of the good doctor Is that he's a good doctor Is there anything else going on there?
[00:32:42] Sometimes he's a great doctor Yeah But mostly he's a good doctor But that's only during sweet tweaks Sweet tweaks keep it comes great In the first part of this episode The conjoined twins that they separate And in the second part They put them back together
[00:32:54] And that's the show Excuse me Can I ask Like they get separated And they're like, what the fuck? Oh I think like one was going to die If they didn't like Have to be attached How old are they? I have no idea Are they like infants
[00:33:05] Or are they played by Like speaking act No, they're probably like 20s, 30s Okay Kind of like You know Stuck on you From Academy Award winner Peter Farrell Exactly like stuck on you Two-time Academy Award winner You know what's the game I've been playing recently? To myself
[00:33:21] Watching Green Book just every day Yeah, well I constantly I can't stop opening the book No, here's a game I'm playing And I'd be curious to see where the two of you weigh in on this Where do you rank Green Book In the Farrelly canon?
[00:33:33] Because I think it's probably The seventh best movie Peter Farrelly has made And I only really like Three Peter Farrelly movies Alright Wait, did they do Shallow How? Yes Okay, so it's definitely below that That's the only movie I can think of right now Here's some Farrelly's
[00:33:48] You got Dumb and Dumber You got Kingpin Good one You got There's Something About Mary So far all these are over Green Book All three, those are my top three You got Me, Myself and Irene That one's going over Green Book That's above Green Book
[00:34:00] You got Osmosis Jones Now they only do the live action Which is the worst part of that movie Bill Murray Farve Osmosis Jones is so good though The animated sections Which I believe the Farrelly's had Very little involvement with Little oversight Fantastic
[00:34:13] I still put it above Green Book But we can just qualify it if we want That was a very big substitute teacher movie Really? Because it's sort of like Vaguely sci-m-t-y? It's like educational lask It was that and the Decalogue I forgot you went to high school
[00:34:28] What grade were you? That was in high school Either that you were too old To be watching Osmosis Jones Or too young to be watching the Decalogue I just love that the pitch of Osmosis Jones Is like what if a white blood cell And a cold pill
[00:34:45] A cold medicine pill We're like buddy cops Like that's the pitch Yeah it's a great pitch It's a good pitch My dad and I were amped for that movie I remember when they announced it We were like first of all
[00:34:53] Osmosis Jones is a great name for a movie It's a good name for a movie I think it has that bit where it's like You want Osmosis? You've got Osmosis And they're like this is the killer moment And also the fact that they were like
[00:35:05] We're making like a mismatch buddy cop movie Except instead of the divide being racial The divide is one guy One is artificial And one is blood And they're fighting the flu Right Laurence Fishburne plays like a new virus In the movie This is all true
[00:35:26] The other pitch on that movie is incredible Which is here's the pitch for the movie It takes place inside Bill Murray Right They were like you like Bill Murray? Huge movie star and they were like yeah And also lead He's like a zookeeper or something He's a zookeeper
[00:35:38] And he gets sick because he eats a hot dog That falls in the gorilla cage I believe that's Do they explain why he's saying that? Because he's such a sloth Takes somebody to the hot dog And then it falls into the cage
[00:35:51] And it gets all the gorilla germs on it And his daughter's like don't daddy And he's like oh come on honey It's still good five second rule Then he eats it And then you see like Laurence Fishburne Tear out of Right And you mostly I think just see
[00:36:03] When you're cutting to him Just him going like oh It feels so good Right He's got sort of a weird love subplot With Molly Shannon who plays his daughter's teacher Chris Elliott plays his even grosser friend Wow You remember this better than I do
[00:36:17] I only remember the cartoon parts This movie rules I was so in favor of doing a Fairly Brothers series someday Until Green Book Hapbook I was like I'd love to talk about the bad We could exclude it Fairly Brother comedies We could be like Brothers only
[00:36:30] Brothers only but then you also have to exclude Dumb and Dumber Which is technically only credited to Peter Oh interesting No that's both Alright so we got shallow how which I have never seen It is so bad and I love it I rank it below Green Book
[00:36:43] But maybe it is the only one I would rank below Green Book I saw that on like a junior high date or something Yeah I mean Did you make out? No It's like a trash cinema masterpiece I mean it's one of those like confounding movies
[00:36:56] Jason Alexander is great in it He's got a tail on it He's got like a vestigial tail There's stuck on you as you know We were talking about a side Oh side of the story Definitely above Green Book Yeah Unquestionably Yeah Merrill Streep is in it
[00:37:15] Merrill Streep has several scenes in that movie There's Fever Pitch which I have not seen Definitely above Green Book There's the Heartbreak Kid which I have not seen James used to watch My brother James used to watch Fever Pitch so much on Cable
[00:37:27] And we'd be like you love this movie He's like I don't know it's just like on TV So I'm just like watching it But anytime we walked in the room he'd be watching Fever Pitch so one year for James's birthday Maybe his 13th birthday
[00:37:37] Four separate members of our family Bought him Fever Pitch independently Cause we were like you know we should get him His Fever Pitch No one talked out with anyone else He never opened one copy He was like I don't like it that much I wouldn't watch it
[00:37:52] I'm not like gonna go through the effort Like taking it out of the DVD case Wow So our family owns four copies of Fever Pitch On DVD We should put them in like the front hall Yeah Like framed all four copies Yeah The Heartbreak Kid Haven't seen
[00:38:06] Hall Pass Haven't seen I rank Hall Pass above I maybe rank Hall Pass is Owen Wilson and Sudeikis Sudeikis All Pass is fine Jenna Fisher It's got some good stuff in it Richard Jenkins giving an Academy Award Worthy performance And the film is a pickup artist
[00:38:20] When doesn't he He plays an old creepy pickup artist He plays like mystery but old Yes He's phenomenal The three Stooges Never forget I do not like that movie Some people stand for it The middle section Do you know the movie's separated into like three shorts
[00:38:34] With their own like title cards For each of the stages No It's just like three episodes There are just like three Stooges films They're always 30 minutes long So let's just make it three 30 minute films But there are three different narratives They don't focus on one or the other
[00:38:48] Stooges more The middle one is Moe Is in the Jersey Shore And it's Moe with Snooki In the situation Snooki, your friend My friend Nicole is a All of them are in it Playing themselves It's just they do another season of the Jersey Shore That's like Stuart Little-Tooard
[00:39:04] Like there's only a month where that's the idea No They've been trying to Jersey Shore is still popular Jersey Shore is still popular But where the studio is like We should cross this movie over with Jersey Shore I mean if I knew about that
[00:39:16] I would have watched it I can't believe you haven't seen it I'm gonna go watch it like that section We have pilots already renting it on Moe? The villain of that film is also Stephen Collins Okay Noted He's a bad producer We're canceling him too
[00:39:31] Yeah, he's canceled, hot takes We don't like him But the Jersey Shore section They announced that movie in like 2003 The Fairly Brothers were like Here's our blank check project Always wanted to make a three-season movie It was gonna be Carrie and the other one
[00:39:43] So it went through every single Reality show like Boone Where they would rewrite the script Every year and be like I guess Moe has to be on Survivor Island now I guess Moe has to be on American Idol I guess Moe has to do the real world
[00:39:56] And like the wheel landed on Jersey Shore when they got the pickup By the time it came out Like they had sort of stopped doing Jersey Shore Weird movie, rank it below Green Book Everything else I pretty much put above What about Dumb and Dumber 2?
[00:40:09] Maybe below Green Book Dumb and Dumber is not good No, it's called Dumb and Dumber 2 Dumb and Dumber 2, there's also Dumb and Dumber When Harry Met Lloyd That's a prequel that they are not involved But that film was better than Green Book Cool
[00:40:22] That's been our official Green Book ranking That's a Troy Miller joint Right He used to direct all the MTV Movie Awards Genshis Yeah, he did a lot of stand-up Okay, so Charlie Bucket's House Oh, yeah, okay So let's talk about this first 30 minutes
[00:40:37] Charlie Bucket's House is a great design I like how it looks all melty Like a candle I do too Freddie Heimor, good doctor Great kid Yeah Here's the thing about Freddie Heimor What? He had been in He's in, what's it called? Finding Napoleon Finding Napoleon, the year before
[00:40:54] They couldn't find Charlie and joined up I just worked with this kid And they, right And I remember him in this movie And in that movie Yeah Where he's the cute kid Right And then I stopped thinking about Freddie Heimor For a while And then he came back
[00:41:06] As Norman Bates As Norman Bates And I watched some of that show Because it was so fucking weird Uh-huh And he successfully, fully Became like a creep to me Sure Or like it wasn't like the thing where I'm like God, he used to be a child actor
[00:41:21] How weird Like if I see Haley Jalazmin I cannot not think about him In the other movie Of course Uh, with Freddie Heimor Banished the other movies When I turned this on I forgot it was Freddie Heimor And I was like Ehh Bates, he's here Bates
[00:41:35] I think it's also because of the accent He doesn't have the accent Right But he's a good doctor now I haven't seen He's America's biggest TV star I know it's weird It makes no sense It's weird and also the poster Is literally just like him
[00:41:48] In like a doctor's jacket What do you think the doctor was good? What do they wear? Lab coat Yeah The doctor's jacket The doctor's jacket Oh my god, I'm losing my mind Ben, you should wear doctor's jackets Into your fashion line So, um, that's a great idea
[00:42:04] But call them doctor's jackets Here's one question I know this is like role doll world But like, they're English They're very English Yes Helen, Noah are English But they live in America No They're talking about dollars It's supposed to be like Not like either or Sure
[00:42:19] The cars are in the middle of the road Instead of picking alongside No, but I mean Their money looks European I guess so It certainly doesn't look American But when he gets the ticket They're like, I'll give you $50 for that Yeah You know, and the other person's like
[00:42:31] I'll give you $500 for that But when you see the actual money notes I think that was It's got like a queen on it I'm not really objecting I just sort of I think they're all supposed to be British Because I mean the original They're all American
[00:42:41] You seem like you're really nitpicky About this David For some reason Shut up Oh, you're trying to do that Okay I saw this in England where I lived What? In 2005 Did you know this pilot? I had no idea Wait, tell me more
[00:42:55] Did you win like a golden ticket Where you got to live at Queen's house For a little while But it was just for a little while They were testing out If you got to take over the palace And then you lost because you were a bad egg
[00:43:04] That would be a good movie The Queen's like, hello Who shall be the next ruler? I'm living five golden tea bags The first five to find them will be The first to walk into Buckingham Palace In over 50 years And she does a bit where she like
[00:43:24] Is old but then turns out she's young Yeah You know I lived in England I had been living in England for 10 years at this point So when you saw this How much sort of national pride Was there in this movie? There was definitely a lot of interest
[00:43:38] But I think it was more just the general kind of like Johnny Depp is in a movie interest Like because Johnny Depp was just such a big deal At that point He does play a lot of English people Because he played J.M. Berry That year before
[00:43:50] In that horrible fucking movie He's got an Irish accent What a weird movie Horrible movie Weird how everyone slicks for that movie Very Michael Jackson-y too Where he's like, I love you children Yes That was a movie that for some reason My dad gave me a bootleg of
[00:44:04] That he sent for my back It was a very strange time Your father was serving overseas He bought playing Neverland in Senses That's incredible Scottish He was Scottish I just remember him having a bit of a brogue It was possible if you just imagine Peter
[00:44:20] Oh god that movie is so boring And it's like the classic like Sleepy in that movie And he got an Oscar nomination But the lady is just like Like coughs into a handkerchief And she's dead 30 minutes from now she is dead That lady being an insanely over-qualified
[00:44:38] Kate Winslet doing nothing Was she nominated for an Oscar? She got nominated for lead for Toronto Sunshine was that same name But that was one of those years where Johnny Depp got in and Paul Giamatti didn't Right You're correct Which I don't even like sideways
[00:44:56] But you don't not nominate Paul Giamatti For sideways if you like sideways You know who'd be a good Willy Wonka? Paul Giamatti That'd be good He does scale a lot Yeah exactly and he's worked with Burton Doing orangutan makeup from Planet of the Apes As Willy Wonka Limbo
[00:45:11] No explanation I catch But right if he's just like Yeah this factor is stressful What do you kids take it? I don't know It's kind of surprising that Giamatti And Burton haven't worked together again He seems like someone who would become One of Burton's guys
[00:45:25] Like in the way that he just like Clearly is all in a Missy Pile at this point Right well a good thing to be all in Missy Pile rules Yeah When she wants to date Willy Wonka Yes That's sort of like a very quiet subplot
[00:45:38] I would watch that rom-com Right like Wonka and In Missy Pile In Missy's Beauregard No she would play herself She would play herself of course Yeah okay the beginning is cute You think it's perfect I don't know what to say to this I think it's perfect
[00:45:54] I think it's like perfect Like sort of fairy tale Like sort of It's equally parts kind of like Whimsical and sad Sure I think in the Gene Wilder version It's a little too like lifted In this I actually like I feel the struggle of the family
[00:46:12] I know about Carter and Noah Taylor Are over qualified just wow And they're good And they're really good They're sad And I like the thing that this movie Is doing from the get-go Which feels very Rol-Dahl to me Is like going down these corridors
[00:46:25] Of like his father at the Toothpaste factory Grandpa Joe when he was younger Like Rol-Dahl will go into Little side tangents with great detail And he loves it And so from the moment that's happening In the movie I'm like this feels Like a Rol-Dahl book more than
[00:46:39] The Gene Wilder film does This has the structure and the flow of like that The chocolate palace All that sort of stuff Just like these are like A lot of detours to be making early on But they're building the world out well You're getting the sense of Wonka
[00:46:54] As this like mythical figure Who no one can get their head around It's not that he's beloved Which I like but they're just like Who the fuck is this guy Sure What's his deal He lives in a weird way And why haven't we seen him in so long
[00:47:07] Have you seen anyone go in or out of that factory Your entire life What happened Who works there Like all these sort of mysteries surrounding it And I like the Noah Taylor Like Helen Bonham Carter stuff is just like They're trying really hard to give this kid
[00:47:21] A good childhood Like they're not sad sacks Couple of flaws One, four grandparents in your living room Sleeping in a bed Pooping and peeing apparently A tiny bit depressive That they should maybe address And a large bit stinky Too much cabbage Too much cabbage Heavy on the cabbage
[00:47:39] Can you imagine Just the farts The farts I've also never had cabbage I've never had cabbage What? Wait, I mean I pilot Not surprisingly at all You've never had cabbage either There's so many things I've never eaten Interesting But like I feel like cabbage
[00:47:54] They're often sort of like You know they'll sneak it into a salad It's coleslaw, it's cabbage It's a sourcrout A sourcrout? Oh, it's, yeah it's Yeah that's cabbage It's like pickled cabbage Okay, never mind Alright You like sourcrout? I like sourcrout You're a good boy
[00:48:11] You're a good boy You're a good boy Yeah, I like that I've never had like cabbage though You've never taken a whole cabbage You're not going to do it I have cracked into a cabbage I love cabbage It's good, roast it It's good roast it
[00:48:24] Oh yeah, like some purple cabbage Yeah it's not so great If you like steam it You know, it'll be a little sad Maybe you should get in that bed with them Fartin' and poopin' And eatin' your cabbage soup That sounds fine I love bed
[00:48:37] It's nice that they at least are able to buy cabbage They're not eatin' like stone soup Do you remember like in old kids books When you read about people making stone soup? Yeah, sounds great Some boiling stones And hoping there's flavor on them So I think
[00:48:53] Maybe the saddest concept The ticket stuff is fine I guess it's just to me You gotta do the ticket stuff now And they do the ticket stuff See this is where I think they excel I think they pull this off better
[00:49:03] I think all the vignettes of the kids Being introduced one by one are so funny They're good kids They're good kids I mean they're bad kids But like, they are well acted They're good characters I think they're good characters And he owns into
[00:49:15] He leans into what's weird about them Immediately Like he identifies a fun comedic game And style And you're getting so much good characterization here Of just like A bit of Vruch Assault Walking up to her parents With a ticket with no appreciation Right
[00:49:31] Just like, I want a pony as well Like the business as usual Augustus can't stop eating chocolate Even when he's trying to like He's pretty cool actually Augustus is kind of a cool guy I would have given a factory to Augustus Exactly, he likes chocolate a lot
[00:49:45] He seems like way more into it than Charlie Right And his mom is kind of nice Like she has like a normal reaction And her son drowning That is cool, he's a sausage man The cut to the dad is so well done And then Violet who I love
[00:50:00] Is played by young Carrie From the Carrie Diaries Well young Carrie Now can I tell you my favourite thing about the Carrie Diaries Please In the pilot episode One girl is describing losing her virginity And she says it was like Shoving a hot dog through a keyhole
[00:50:15] And I have thought about that weekly since And it is so upsetting That shows on the CW I auditioned for that show And I had to Be in the scene where someone says That line of dialogue for my audition I have never watched the show
[00:50:31] And that line has rang in my head for six years I forgot it was from that Until just now Because I think about that all the time Hot dog through a keyhole It's such a terrible image Putting the sleeping bag back in the case
[00:50:43] Well you know what's gross about that image But isn't it raw hot dog or cooked hot dog? Either way Either way I think it's raw I feel like I've heard When people try to talk about bad sex Then using the analogy of like
[00:50:57] It was like trying to put wet spaghetti through a keyhole That's like if you're soft Hems Back to him No but that one makes sense to me And the hot dog through a keyhole is just like It sounds like it would just rip the hot dog into shreds
[00:51:09] That's what I was saying I get a visceral revulsion Because I just immediately picture It's sort of stupid because like The human anatomy is not key-like It's not made of nettle It sort of moves and shifts Not to break this line down more
[00:51:25] But I think it deserves it I guess the implication is that the peen was too big Right? I guess But it sounds violent Hot dog through a keyhole Smash Smash a hot dog No this wasn't on smash This wasn't a line on smash Oh fuck I forgot
[00:51:40] I thought that was from my smash audition Didn't you do like 18 million smash auditions? I did Well they all cast me on smash after they had started Filming smash Smash a famously well run TV show that had no problems Right They were maybe gonna restart the show
[00:51:54] And I was gonna play Debra Messing's part Yeah you were gonna be, you had all your scarves What if the scarves could talk Griffin can you jump around Debra Messing's neck And do this read for us Alright Keep talking about Charlie the Chalk Factory
[00:52:08] I just think all this stuff is It's good It's fine And it's got a light touch It feels sort of magical without feeling like Ben's just shaking his head Sacrine I guess so And I think there are a couple really good moments of Charlie characterization
[00:52:23] I mean Freddie Heimor is so preternaturally talented He's cute He's just, Charlie has always bothered me Because he has no personality Except that he's nice Okay Cause he has the thing where they're like We bought you a chocolate bar Yeah And he's like no
[00:52:39] You should use the money to do what I pay the rent Okay you say it that way Maybe fix some shingles on this house Makes it sound shitty Sure Warner Brothers apparently pushburnt really hard that they wanted Charlie to be some kind of savant or whiz kid
[00:52:52] Really? Like a mercury rising situation Yeah Here are the two big notes that Warner Brothers had Them just applying like modern studio notes to a story that everyone loves exactly the way it is Right They were like first of all Charlie shouldn't have a dad
[00:53:05] Cause the movie should be about Willy Wonka becoming his father figure You mean kind of like a Harry Potter The classic sort of, yeah the kid They want Willy Wonka to adopt him at the end of the movie And be like you're the father I never had
[00:53:17] So they have notes where we want more daddy issues Right We've only got one layer of notes We want to resolve the daddy issues We're gonna make this guy a creep and he's gonna adopt a child Well I think at that point Warner Brothers was like
[00:53:29] And of course he won't be a creep right Johnny Depp won't be playing him like Michael Jackson He'll be a nice normal person Sure And he'll become a nice dad at the end Like I think they wanted like Liar Liar Mode Jim Carrey
[00:53:39] At the end to be like maybe I should focus more on family Right I think I would have liked it if Willy Wonka broke up his parents marriage And then became his dad That would be good That would be a much better movie
[00:53:49] If Willy Wonka, if Noah Taylor walked in there Instead of the grandpa Willy Wonka is like I'm gonna cuck you Willy Wonka the cuck factory You like my chocolate? Try my cuckalit I was just, I know that word has been co-opted by maniacs On the internet
[00:54:06] And not that it was a word before That it was invented by maniacs on the internet who are bad What movie did I just see where someone got cheated on And I was like this guy only gets cheated on in movies I have to think about this
[00:54:16] Two notes One, I find it funny that it's been co-opted by maniacs on the internet Because all those maniacs are By using the casual term It's Jason Clark AKA Jason Clark Oh, Constance gets caught Yes right Serenity and then the aftermath Craig Gatsby Yes Gatsby The original Cucking
[00:54:35] The great cucking, I don't know Shut up Tom Buchanan the original cuck That's what that book said That's the pull quote on right From Richard Lawson As Gepis Gerald's notes was like This guy is a beta male Gatsby is a total alpha Wow we're getting very literary
[00:54:56] On the episode today I was going to say I like it the maniacs who have co-opted cuck Which is such a casual Like friendly nickname term For cuckolding Are also like You're such a fucking cuck Which is a gross thing
[00:55:11] And certainly not something I watch videos of all the time Oh god, is that a thing? Is it a horn thing? Yes, that's when it went to cuck Is like because they were like cuck porn And then all those guys started watching cuck porn And then dissing people
[00:55:24] Are being like you're a cuck Let's get out of this No let's go deeper I'm driving this duck boat The wheels just popped out Now we're going into the water So they go to the chocolate factory Wait I want to say this
[00:55:36] So they wanted Charlie to be a whiz kid I want to say a couple things about cuck They wanted Charlie to be a whiz kid They wanted Willy Wonka to be normal They wanted the movie to become about a father son relationship And T'merton was like fuck that
[00:55:50] Wonka's a weirdo It's weird for anyone to behave this way I want the character to follow suit If he's a man who hasn't talked to anyone else for ten years He's reckless, he'd be weird He'd be weird Right?
[00:56:01] And he was like the whole key has to be that Charlie is just a normal kid Sure Now in the original I think it's a little too like he's too pure Yeah He's got that blonde hair too
[00:56:10] The thing that was kind of incredible about Freddie Heimour at this age was He just seemed like an old man in a little child's body And while being a cute kid He doesn't play cute at all He's very serious Yeah
[00:56:23] So I think when all that stuff comes up of him going like No it's my birthday and I want to share the chocolate bar with all of you You really kind of like I feel for this kid I feel like Jesus is good for fucking some seer
[00:56:34] I think he's such a good kid But I think I appreciate that through the performance And the tone of the movie They don't make the kid overly earnest He's just kind of logical Sure And he's got priorities straight Does he like chocolate? He does
[00:56:49] He likes chocolate like it's one bar a year for his birthday Yeah, okay Weird And he makes a little model and his father collects all the misshapen tooth paste caps All this stuff I'm like really into And you're getting the backstory I mean a great tamper
[00:57:04] How many times have you seen this movie? I saw it a lot when it came out I haven't seen it probably in 12 years Interesting Yeah You saw it multiple times in theaters? I saw it multiple times in theaters and Romley really liked it when she was little
[00:57:14] We'd watch it a lot at home But A couple really good gags he does early on And some fun like film rhythm things One When grandpa Joe tells the story I was much younger than And you hard cut to 20 years earlier And he looks exactly the same
[00:57:35] Like he's exploring joke potential in this movie Which the later films he gets away from You feel him actively working to like what's the funniest choice we could make This one has lots of funny jokes The burn ward
[00:57:46] Grandpa Joe when he gives Charlie the extra money he's been saving I like their two false attempts at the bar before he finally gets it When he gives him the money and then falls asleep I think that's a fun film rhythm cut
[00:57:58] Of grandpa Joe falling asleep and then waking up with the candy bar in front of his face All this stuff is good Okay They get to the factory Wanna talk about this He gets the bar Yeah he gets the bar Wants to sell it Yeah
[00:58:12] And his other grandpa gives the speed that's like They print more money every day Don't only ever be five of these Which honestly is really stupid Like take the money Like they clearly need the money They're quite broke
[00:58:23] What sort of a one in five shot at getting a factory Which they didn't know they were gonna get a factory That's a good point They just thought they were gonna get lifetime chocolate That's the weirdest thing about this movie Is they never presented as a competition
[00:58:34] And when people parody Charlie in the chocolate factory I think they make that up front Part of the parody Should we talk about Pete Davidson again? We should Why is he playing grandpa Joe twice? He's young He's no grandpa But in both the book And the film adaptations
[00:58:50] It's like a movie The film adaptations It's just like he's gonna let five people tour And only at the very end After the things been determined It was a contest all the air That's true So basically they gave up a bunch of money they needed
[00:59:05] So he could look at a factory for a few hours Let me get a little tour Like how like And also you have to imagine They can't know that the factory is as magical as it is Although grandpa Joe did have a chocolate bird
[00:59:18] Miss Lea, a company with a lot of problems Has factory tours, you can book one Of course 800 Nest They bought the Wonka brand and have since shut it down Do you know there aren't Wonka bars on production anymore? I know, yeah Because when the musical opened
[00:59:31] They couldn't sell Wonka bars Uh, sure Yeah, Nestle's just sitting on I believe we've talked about this Yeah Factory tours, Mondays, Wednesdays And Fridays Yeah Just go Where's the closest factory? Great Question And you have to sign an NDA And the factory, by the way, looks magnificent
[00:59:51] Look at that It's a white building It looks like a Costco It looks like a Costco And weirdly enough Children are murdered there as well That's the only similarity it has with None of the children die I do like that this film They have that weird like
[01:00:08] Walkout of the factory Yeah My TV is my favorite part of that It has factories in 80 different countries The headquarters in Switzerland though Headquarters We could go Let's go I think all this stuff at the beginning is good Willy Wonka This is what I want to get to
[01:00:24] Right, it's good, more subtle Sort of save the cat stuff of Like this is why you care about this kid Sure Uh, I like that David Kelley's kind of demented Yes Has a weird anarchic energy As like, I don't know if this man
[01:00:36] Is like losing his mind or not And then they get into the factory Everyone's like cuddle outside Right And everyone remembers in the original That Gene Wilder did a whole bit Right And then they just do a creepy Chuck E. Cheese Willy Wonka song I love it
[01:00:52] The cat is on fire This is the best thing in the movie Apart from the burn ward I guess it's linked to the burn ward though So it's really like That's my favorite thing in the movie Because the courtyard is like so gray And bleak
[01:01:01] It's so cold outside The music becomes very ominous Whereas like he's been doing sort of Twinkly, maniacal Danny Alfman Now it just becomes very serious There's so much wind up to them Going through the gates The gates closing behind them Them all walking in line
[01:01:13] They're all meeting each other Everyone's competitive Violet and Vruca Salt have that Like best friends for everything And then they cross their fingers You're like where's this going And then they step up And nothing just opens up This shitty thing And it's horrible Like the puppets are discolored
[01:01:28] They're clearly like sunbleached It made me think of you Because it's the kind of futuristic design You like That like 50s throwback kind of thing Right And then with the shitty wax figures too It's like a world's fair Like a bad, it's a small world
[01:01:40] But like it's a I like thinking about Willy Wonka like designing that Right Like this is good Well I like him also thinking Like I don't know This is what kids like right Right Like he has such disdain
[01:01:51] For the people who would want to come to his factory I highly recommend watching Just like Chuck E. Cheese animatronic videos Where they're all failing on YouTube They're really funny And they're so terrifying Here's the thing There's just like stuff melting
[01:02:03] Here's the thing I was thinking about recently Chuck E. Cheese has taken out all the robot dance They don't have robot shows anymore What do they do that? Kids don't like robot shows It's frightening That's their pitch That makes sense They had bowling for soup
[01:02:18] Right a bunch of new Chuck E. Cheese songs And they tried to make Chuck E. Cheese like more like punk pop And then they just took out all the robots So they have a walk around still sometimes Sure But they don't have the shows anymore Okay
[01:02:31] And the Rock-a-Fire explosion Has built this like online cult following Which was the original Chuck E. Cheese Because there's a documentary made about it And there are people who have bought the machines And they program them to modern songs Right What a smart investment it would be
[01:02:45] To buy one of those robot bands And get a bar in Brooklyn And be like here's our gimmick Yeah it's like a fake Chuck E. Cheese for hipsters Like for how many like bar Cade places there are In all the major cities which are so popular
[01:03:01] Which is just like here you go It's like a club bar Not a bar a club but like a bar or a play Popular songs and we program the robot band to do them And watch the robot band do like a dell or whatever I don't want that
[01:03:15] I want that so badly Two opinions Don't want it, want it so badly Way in Email us or tweet at us please You call it like professor PT drink a lot Or something and it's like you have your own robot band You've re-skin them right
[01:03:31] The robots are there but you come with different I'm learning the IRS is after you For this idea The amount you've sunk into it already You're pitching this because you're already doing it right It doesn't sound like a good idea anyway
[01:03:42] If you want to go to gofundme.com It's backslash griffin needs your money Alright I think that the video is funny I mean not the video, the robot show is so funny And it goes on for so long It goes on for too long, catches on fire
[01:03:57] But becomes even more disturbing Right because the chair lifts up The fireworks are there, Willy Wonka's not there You're like where the fuck is He's next to them Then they slowly burn Then the camera pans across all of their terrified faces And he's just there clapping
[01:04:11] It's such a good entrance It is And he's got his weird glasses on And he's like I don't know Trying to do it Like what's the depth of voice Who does he sound like in this? The whole time I was watching it
[01:04:23] I was trying to figure out who he sounds like Because he's doing that sort of like weird children's Entertainer thing Sure Where his diction is like too clean And too upbeat And he sounds demented And maniacal And this part He's like trying to like Feel appealing to kids
[01:04:42] But he's like reading off of no cards In every way Right He like doesn't know their names Right he's like practice all this They set up the gag immediately That anytime Mike TV says anything Momer Really funny That's funny
[01:04:55] There are a lot of funny fucking things in this movie That's not in anything else right Like that's not in the book or anything No And it just He's just decided not to hear what that kid said But the gimmick of Mike TV this time
[01:05:05] Is that he's like a genius Yeah he like has some algorithm to win the ticket to heaven Right he like cracked the code He figured out the shipping strategies And like wind variation So Mike should almost certainly Actually be the winner
[01:05:17] Or maybe like a Mike Violet like duo You know because if Mike won He would just sell the factory immediately Right he would be like He would run the numbers and he'd be like Chocolate No come on get out of here Yeah I'm not doing this
[01:05:27] Well I think the weird thing with his characterization In this movie is your It feels like Okay so we know later on He had this moment of like mortality Right Kicking in right His his hair Which made him realize he should get in there
[01:05:40] He's like I don't know what do you do Find some kids But he hates kids so much And he has nothing other than this factory That he like wants the plan to fail Like it feels like Like it feels like a producer's scheme
[01:05:50] Like he wants them all to die I think so he can be like Well too bad no one else can run it Because the whole point is like Whenever they fall in And then the impumpas do a song Or like everyone's like that seemed planned
[01:06:01] And he's like what are you talking about And there was that moment with Ruka Salt where he can't find the key Right And then That's my favorite scene A good gag is always Someone lifting up a giant ring of keys And there's too many keys
[01:06:14] That is always funny They do a couple very pointed cuts Where like after she falls You see his very calm face And then suddenly he finds the perfect key And opens it So I do think his plan is Like I want to prove
[01:06:25] Or at least dispose of them all Right You want to prove that right No one is up to the task Right But like I mean we can go through this one by one The first thing Very quickly they go You want to kill those kids Yeah
[01:06:39] Very quickly they go into the main area With the river right A gloop is just taken down By wanting to eat chocolate all day Classic So easy We get that a kid going to a chocolate factory That's gonna be an issue There's that weird probe
[01:06:53] That they keep on cutting to Hovering above them Yeah And every time they do it Just kind of like has ambient noise Like Is it all CGI Well I think some of it This set is real The set is real But like the river must be
[01:07:06] Fake or at least No the river is real Because they Ruinned like several Incredibly expensive camera lenses Because they fell in the river That was like a big story When they were filming Stopped dropping cameras In a chocolate river They lost like $350,000 Worth of camera lenses
[01:07:24] Cause like very special Like you know handmade It looks great It looks great Yeah I mean this is like the best stuff In the factory because it's still practical What about the The Veruca set is good That's a good set
[01:07:38] Every room when one of the kids gets thrown off The rooms are good The TV room is good The Veruca room with the nuts is great The squirrels are so good The squirrels are fucking good The squirrels are real too Really? They look good They were like
[01:07:52] Squirrels are super smart They train them from birth They were like we have to get 40 squirrels And train them from birth So all they know how to do Is this gesture That's really funny Isn't that thing like Squirrels are totally smart Their only problem is that
[01:08:04] They are obsessed with nuts and food And like All of their intellect is devoted to it Like we could probably get Like they could do other things No the squirrel When it throws the nut away That's CGI And when they all crawl on her That's CGI
[01:08:17] But every time they're checking the nuts That's real squirrels Real fucking squirrels Which is demented Like I like Timberd having the money To make this movie And being like I'm gonna do weird Willy Wonka shit I like to think that I'm gonna say like
[01:08:28] Timberd has been the squirrels Yes I like to think that Timberd is just Like a massive squirrel trainer He's got like a whip But that's what he does The squirrels are like running in a circle But like if Tim Burton had a mansion
[01:08:39] Like this and all the money in the world He would lock himself in And be like I don't know let's train some squirrels today In the same way that Willy Wonka wants To like create cotton candy sheep A squirrel once broke into my mom's house Fuck it's retired
[01:08:50] Bleep it out Bleep it out Bleep it out By tearing through the screen Like you know on her window Right Took a whole jar of skippy Closed A closed jar of skippy Didn't know what to do I guess panicked or something Ran into her bedroom
[01:09:06] Ripped the jar open somehow Which is impossible Like I don't know how a squirrel would You know not didn't unscrew it just ripped it open Ate whatever it could And then ran out And left the skippy jar in her bedroom Rather than rely on CJ Ibert
[01:09:21] Wanted the 40 squirrels in the Nut room to be real The animals were trained every day For 10 weeks before filming commenced They began their coaching while newborns Fed by bottles to form relationships With human trainers The squirrels reached out how to sit upon A little blue bar stool
[01:09:34] Tap and then open a walnut And deposit its meat near a conveyor belt That's incredible What a waste of everyone's time and money But that's like the meta narrative to this movie What happens to those squirrels now? They don't know how to do anything else
[01:09:48] What do they do? I don't know they were signed for Multi-picture deals They had sequel clauses I'm sure Tim Barron just adopted them all Yeah, he probably does just have a squirrel room I love it's like It's like fucking Fitz Corraldo stuff Where it's like
[01:10:05] Werner Herzog drove himself crazy trying to Make a movie about someone driving themselves crazy The Chocolate River has 200,000 gallons Of faux melted chocolate in it And they had to get the right concoction where it was like Loose enough that they could paddle through it
[01:10:20] Because when it was thicker Then the paddle wouldn't go through the chocolate They lost camera lenses Like all this shit I love And then anytime they're in the elevator Or in the boat When they're just in like CGI goop land The CGI chocolate looks terrible
[01:10:37] Like whenever they're floating in it It looks like CGI water They've only kind of cracked I feel like In the last five years And at this point it just looks like Diarrhea The color is kind of weird too Maybe it's from the bed
[01:10:54] There's a pipe at the bottom of the bed That goes all the way to the factory Anyway, what my point was Gloop taken down by his own greed Then they sing a song The best song of the Impel Oompa songs? I think all of them are bangers
[01:11:11] I like MikeTV's the best MikeTV's is the other competitor to me Those are the best too I think the Violet and Of Ruka songs are just okay MikeTV's one is the rock one The Ruka song is my favorite The weird hippie dippy one
[01:11:28] I like it when it's high energy Like I like them to be running around What about the Violet one Is the chewing chewing chewing gum That's pretty good actually I just think I'm so mad about Violet Like they fuck her over so hard She's great
[01:11:44] And she's played by Young Carrey As we pointed out I'm sorry, Young Young Carrey And Ben looks like he's in a coma right now And what happens They take her to see some chewing gum She's like I want to eat the chewing gum I love chewing gum
[01:11:58] And rather than him being like Definitely you're not allowed to do it He's just like oh don't do that Like you're presenting her with chewing gum And it's poison I like that they make Violet this Example of like the American obsession With exceptionalism
[01:12:14] And Missy Palser, weird robotic stage mom Who like clearly wishes she had been a star Like she tries to point out her own baton photo That's the joke right She's like a pageant girl Right Right, who's now like forced it on to her dog
[01:12:27] But it's even funnier when the pageant she has is Chewing gum But like Agustus Gloop Wants to eat too much chocolate Okay I'll admit it He could maybe stop Eating the chocolate One handful of the river Is enough to get that it's a river of chocolate
[01:12:44] Mike TV's an asshole Ruga Salta Brad Mike TV we're gonna get to Violet has no sins Baruchas suck, she's bad Like I mean you know Baruchas is a bad nut We all agree Violet has no sin Violet Violet has poor impulse control But it's one stick of gum
[01:12:57] It's one time I mean you go like the first real mistake she makes Is not listening to Willy Wonka when he tells her To spit out the gum But you've also said in the movie that It's gum though
[01:13:07] She would want to get back to her main gum anyway Exactly but like Agustus falls in a river Yeah You would note be safe around rivers Dangerous Someone which should be very explicit Like gum, I know that gum normally is just gum
[01:13:21] This one will swell you into a blueberry He says everything but that He does say There's a thing we haven't worked on You know what I mean the other things are like Baruchas like Yeah don't like challenge squirrels And they're like squirrel primacy
[01:13:34] Mike TV asks to be teleported Like these are things children should not want Right She just wants gum She eats candy Yeah She went to a candy factory Right but he told her not to eat it He didn't The songs here are all the Roldal songs
[01:13:49] They're the lyrics Are they? Yes they are Yes they are Yeah Roldal gets lyrics by credit for this entire movie They're all his songs Which I don't know how you folks Delt with this when you were a child But I would always find it like very
[01:14:06] Yeah you're right there I feel a lot of stress when I got to a song portion Of a book like this You mean when it's an italics all of a sudden And it's like line breaks And you're like what's the tune for this
[01:14:17] Yeah right do I sing this What do I do I'm no learner and low Like how do I like you know What's the sort of What's the jam here What's the beat Basically in my head they were all just like Quagallian chants That's what I would always think
[01:14:30] Or they just sound That would be good Ohhhhh They come out like that That'd be good Or I just always like imagine like shanties in my head Like they'd just be kind of like shaggy shanties And then they make this announcement like
[01:14:43] Danny Elfman is going to take the Raw Doll lyrics They're not gonna use the songs for the G. Walter film They're gonna use the original song Right And it was like oh cool And then he just made the weirdest choice with every set of lyrics Go on
[01:14:55] Well he just decided to reinterpret each one Through a different very specific genre That was not the genre that those lyrics were Written to be sung in by any stretch of imagination He also He turns them into like Oingo Boingo songs And does all the vocals himself
[01:15:08] That's what I was gonna say The weird thing is that he sings them all himself in different voices Right The only thing that really bothers me about the songs Is that the voice keeps changing But that's what I don't like that That is what Oingo Boingo's like
[01:15:20] Like his voice changes That's not like the greatest defensive ever heard mounted A bit of something I'm not thinking defensive the songs I'm saying one of the weird aspects of this movie I think I just struggle with all the deep roys Being identical except that their voices
[01:15:33] Sometimes are high pitched or low pitched The narrator, Jeffrey Holder One of them sounds like Jeffrey Holder No, it's one of those things where like You know, Burton and Elfman Very close collaborators The one falling out they had was over Nightmare for Christmas
[01:15:49] Because he felt Burton didn't fight hard enough For him to be the voice of Jack So it's his singing but not his speaking Right And this feels like him being like So you'll let me do whatever the fuck I want with these songs
[01:16:01] And Burton's like, yeah sure whatever Right And then we're gonna core spread at the same time I think Elfman was really busy Those songs you can tell are like The work of someone who's putting more focus on On something else Yeah Ding dong
[01:16:15] Deep Roy's great in this movie He's so good Paid one million dollars He was paid one million dollars, do you know this pilot? I love Deep Roy One of the best salaries of all time I mean he worked for it
[01:16:26] That's what I'm saying but like so often a guy like this You're like and they paid him like five thousand dollars Like you hear the horrible story Of how little they got paid And Tim Burton was like fuck you, you're paying him one million dollars
[01:16:38] Deep Roy also wanted the Augustus Gloop song to be Like a Bollywood number He suggested that himself And then yes we've got a Vruca Salt's kind of like a Sixties pop thing And the Violet's like a funk song I guess I can't even remember Violet
[01:16:55] Say do it again Do it again And then Mike TV's like a Hair metal kind of thing Yes that's my favorite one Right there's the view His performances are so good in this movie Like anytime it's a bunch of oompa-loompas on the screen
[01:17:13] You can choose to focus on any one And he's giving a distinct Specific performance on that oompa-loompa You think about how much time he had to spend In like a green screen space But imagine the parents leaving The factory Going to the press being like
[01:17:29] What happened in there And then being like Well our children were won by systematically Right Attacked Exactly And then every time it happened Rather than them dealing with it The factory workers assembled And sang joyously Of what had just happened Well this is why Charlie and Charley
[01:17:51] The factory became so big culturally And the Willow-Walka movie I know Willow-Walka movie But also like it birthed a thousand sketches Of routines and even bar room conversations Like here's my fucking question Why didn't they just do this? But here's the other thing I think it's also like
[01:18:09] Every kid's first horror movie Where it's like you're learning that sort of thing Of every death is inventive And different and all that And it does sort of have that slasher movie structure In that way Where it's like their sins are directly leading to Their deaths
[01:18:23] It's like probably the 13th where it's like Oh the kids are fucking someone's going to get murdered You know? I do think that's the thing that kids like about He leans into it hard here They directly imply that Wonka has planned all of this Totally
[01:18:37] When they say how did they know To put his name in the songs That seemed rehearsed and choreographed And he's like improv it's a parlor trick Which is funny It's funny that he wrote a simproff Yeah that is He wrote simproff Here I gotta be you guys talk
[01:18:51] You know that Willow-Walka never made Lloyd 9th Nice call back I had to make that trick before David went to the bathroom So where do you stand At this point in the movie Like what are you liking? What are you disliking? I mean I enjoy basically
[01:19:06] The entire thing in the factory I like the way the factory looks And I also hate the children So it's great to watch bad things happen to them And the only thing I don't like too much is Johnny Depp's performance For like all the obvious Michael Jackson reasons
[01:19:19] Cause he does just like we mind BFM And it's so weird So that's the main thing Yeah Have you watched Leaving Neverland yet? No Okay So I watched it And then I went down a really ill-informed Rabbit Hole of watching old Michael Jackson interviews
[01:19:34] Which now just feels so fucking creepy They feel like Freddie Krueger doing Letterman Or something And like making jokes about like Why would I murder kids? I love it when they show up in my nightmares Yeah I don't ever want to watch this No they're terrible
[01:19:51] So I definitely got like creeped out watching Depp in this Relieved that he hates children Like feeling a real palpable sense of physical relief Every time he pushed the kid away Yeah But this kind of makes more I don't even know if I want to open this box
[01:20:10] I would say no Yeah There was like the public like defense Of Jackson that was accepted where it's like Well he never had a childhood So all this weird stuff is just because he never had a childhood Like he didn't develop properly
[01:20:25] And I watched this movie and I'm like This movie's bug nuts banana shit But I am more readily believe that someone would turn out this way If they didn't have a childhood Oh yeah Like the way they set up really long ago makes sense
[01:20:39] Right that he would like surround himself with the thing he didn't get to do as a kid But be a total miss and throw Yeah As opposed to like He distressed other kids because like he didn't have like childhood He distressed kids and parents Right
[01:20:52] Well who doesn't distrust parents I also see it as Like yes Michael Jackson didn't have a childhood It's the genius rule Where I feel like when people like ascend to a certain level Right And you know we like consider them geniuses They have mastered their works of art
[01:21:11] Right They get away with being bad to their family Like cheating on their significant other Right I feel like that So Michael Jackson I feel like it was just more like We just all accepted it as a society Well and John Michael
[01:21:24] I was about to say giant debt Michael Jackson has the same like Roman Polanski Like full flush where it's like Oh he did really fucked up things And also really fucked up things happened to him And he made great art Right So people are like
[01:21:38] Well I don't know what can you say How would you process these things What are we talking about right now All the bad stuff He fucked over the town Right Like that's what I like Where are we This is what I like Which town He closed a factory
[01:21:52] He lost their jobs And he replaced them with umbilipas I liked that they don't treat them He created some jobs He did Yeah And he saved like a whole jungle colony That's being besieged by monsters He basically just fired like the town And gave jobs immigrants
[01:22:06] Which like I support Okay Tables just got turned on you guys Right Turned hard So I guess what I'm trying to say In a very messy way Should we do hymns What come on He said hard I think Oh I got it
[01:22:19] Okay now Ben's going to the bathroom Or no he's just in the victory lap Oh the door's open What I like about this movie is We're talking about like The genius exception kind of thing Right That like all this Michael Jackson Conversation is circling around That like
[01:22:32] You know he was a genius Where it was like Oh well he's right There's just There's a reason for this And that's why Everyone tries to justify it Right so it's like A two prong thing where it's like A I think people don't want to believe
[01:22:44] That someone's capable of doing such awful things Sure Such as sending kids down A squirrel show I think these are four attempted murders Right No I know none of the kids die Right But I think you could go to court And be like four attempted murders
[01:22:56] But really like he's not tying a murder That must have a factory that is Right He's like clean It's that kind of Rube Goldberg Thing where he's like I didn't do anything Right They did it to themselves Didn't you plan this Right The numbers in the chamber
[01:23:09] Ready to go Not at all My point is And someone like finds sheet music And he's like Fuck God damn it I'm going down They find his demos on his iPod These are clearly like scratch tracks Like you've been working these out I don't know what those are
[01:23:22] You brought Phil Spectorin to produce them It's like I've never met the guy Do you try like All the oompa loompas Is like a class action kind of Or is it just one But they didn't do anything They think oompa loompas are more to blame
[01:23:32] If they have the songs Like They do the song Well you are welcome to do the song He can claim it But he's kind of smart in that way That he passed the block Right he just lairs the protection He didn't do anything
[01:23:41] Except struggle to find his keys Right The point I'm making is You should send him to the Hague The point I'm making is I like this movie Because You like this movie I do But because this movie doesn't try to build a genius Roll around Willy Wonka
[01:23:56] There's this sense of like Charlie's really Sort of intrigued by him Because he lives so close Because his grandpa worked there Because it's this mystery The other kids don't seem to give a shit about Willy Wonka They like the idea of winning
[01:24:09] And they like the idea of the factory Sure And it doesn't feel like anyone's excusing Wonka The only person in the world who seems to Like idolize Wonka Other than Charlie is his father Keeps all the clippings Right In the Jean Watter version There's this mythology
[01:24:23] Even though they haven't seen him in so long Of like This is the greatest man in the world Right The candy man can Right He exists just to make children happy Which is the Michael Jackson bullshit Of like He couldn't have hurt us He loves peace on earth
[01:24:35] And this movie is like This is this weird guy No one knows what's going on with him And then when they meet him He's an asshole to them Right And he tries to kill them all And the whole time they're like
[01:24:44] I don't know what the fuck is up with this guy Like they are not charmed by him at all He is not charmed by them It feels like he wants the tour to be over with I also just think it's good to add the thing where
[01:24:54] At the end of the book It's like you won You get the factory now And Charlie's like great And it's like great Look at the fucking elevator Right here Charlie's like Fuck this Unbalanced Unbalanced you don't seem so good Like you seem 5 out of 10 Fucked up right
[01:25:08] And he's like You can't bring your family with you And he's like well then what I end up like you Weirdo with a Prince Valiant haircut Good Like I like that this movie is like A guy who's like Look at me I turned out fine I'm eccentric
[01:25:22] And everyone's like No you're not okay We don't like you Well it's also sort of like No chocolate justifies this behavior Charlie's only accomplishment Is being the last one alive Right You could keep taking him into rooms And seeing if they kill him
[01:25:35] I mean you could do this forever But this movie's like a weird rebuke To the genius exception And also all the stuff he's made recently Is bad Is crazy bad Right they're like it's convoluted He's wasting tons of money And like R&D Like time and energy
[01:25:51] On shit that no one wants to fucking eat Gone I like all of that I think this is a good take And I think people didn't like it When it came out cause they were like Oh they've ruined Willy Wonka The original was so pure And it's like
[01:26:05] But it's fucked up if you look at it That's why everyone always did comedy routines about it And this movie's like Yeah we're gonna make a movie about how it's fucked up Yeah except that then this movie's like But really if his dad just like
[01:26:15] Gave him a pat on the back he'd be fine Yeah I mean look It's a little easy It's a little neat I'm just saying if you wanted to be wrestling with this It'll like hey these geniuses are not so great And then Charlie's like What's up with you?
[01:26:30] And he's like I don't know But the group is like kind of a jerk There's a whole stretch of like Charlie That wasn't even that much of a jerk You're just like don't eat candy Don't eat candy all the time You have crazy braces Go on
[01:26:42] No I agree with all that Look they tie the bow up too quickly But it's the idea that it's like He needed to connect to other people Which they make that leap And it's a pretty big leap He's connected to the impo-rempers
[01:26:55] Yeah but I mean they're not great conversationalists They're great performers I do love the jungle exploration scene I just like this idea of like Willy Wonka Like traveling around the world with like a machete Yeah that could be the prequel Willy Wonka origins with a machete
[01:27:11] Okay so Violet you're upset that she gets taken down She gets screwed over She should win She's good She's good Yeah like Violet They tried to do this practically Apparently it looked terrifying So they did the CGI last minute Right Cause the CGI looks a little wonky
[01:27:25] Yeah it doesn't look And not Wonka Oh I just remember we never pointed out The TV kid's dad is like perfect Yeah He plays it so perfectly One of my favorite performers He's got that terrible comb over Ray Pratys theoretically And he's just like
[01:27:42] He just is so like the dad Who is not disabling his kid I believe he is one of the giants in BFJ He is? Yes Yeah he is But out of all the parents He's the one that stays in my mind Him and Missy Pala are really strong
[01:27:55] What's his name Fox? Oh Missy Pala yeah He's a classic English guy The English stick up his butt guy Right and Augustus Gloop's mom is like a similar Just sort of classic German woman Franziska Throgner Yeah but I like they found a real German kid
[01:28:13] The German kid did his own dubbing For the German version of this movie That's great English was the second language But this feels like an area Especially if you're Tim Burton You get to make $150 million Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie
[01:28:27] After Johnny Depp's become a big movie star Where like there are if you go on the Wikipedia They have all these like other actors Who are considered for the part For every part Because you can see that Warner Brothers Would have been like Why isn't Anthony Hopkins grand-pudgo
[01:28:41] Sure Like why isn't all of Why aren't all the parents big movie stars And I like that he just like hired Like good actors That's fair Like he got good theater actors He got like you know Not very famous people To play all the grown-ups in the film
[01:28:54] They shot it all in England Right I mean Helena Bonhamcar is the other big name In this movie And it's because she is The mother to his children at this time It took six months to shoot Yeah Because the British child actor was Yeah Yeah
[01:29:08] She's always the mother of his children Yes she you're right She will forever be the mother of his children That's a good point I misspoke They have two children They have two children But they're not together anymore They're not together anymore When they were together
[01:29:23] There were all those things where it's like Other houses are separate But there's a tunnel underneath connecting Which I love I think that's an ideal situation I've been thinking about that a lot too I'm like maybe that's how I want to get married
[01:29:32] Are there bats in the tunnel? Like a unisband Yeah And you're like we live together But also like we're weird people And we probably need around space right Maybe they could have like you know There's like shoots Yeah Or like communicate Like what do they call those
[01:29:45] Oh yeah They're like old timey shoots Oh yes Yeah it just sounds nice Like them living in the English countryside You two are nuts He has this weird little gothic manner And she's got her quaint crooked Charlie Bucket house They didn't live in the countryside
[01:29:58] They lived in Hampstead I remember where they lived Really? Yeah You ever go there? No my friend's mom was her agent What? Yeah Yeah So I knew of their place But no I never went Do you think at like this period of time Home and bottom Carter's agent
[01:30:15] Like calls her And it's like hey so good news We got an offer for a film for you It's Charlie and the chocolate factory So Tim Burton's attached to her Like do you think every time there's a new Tim Burton film she calls her There's like a formal
[01:30:27] They want to read for this Dark shadow Yeah right No because I could imagine Tim Burton Being too uncomfortable to like Ask his like common wife To You mean common law wife? Yeah that's what I meant to say You know what I mean it's common
[01:30:44] I left out his exceptional life He's like a modern famously married A commoner yes His exceptional common law wife I left out the worst word to leave out I can imagine him not having the courage To be like honey would you be in this movie
[01:31:01] It'd be funny if you called him Called her his law wife His law wife Thinking of all the words you could drive Yeah law wife would make more sense That's kind of like your doctor jacket Hey HBC it's Fran calling
[01:31:13] So we got an offer for you to go on And tape for what is it Mrs. Love It In Sweeney Todd this is a really hot project Tim Burton is attached Like I just think that's probably how it happened for her That sounds funny I don't know
[01:31:28] Did they really have a tunnel? They had a tunnel It was like some kind of connection There was yeah because there were separate properties On the same land What if that is how relationships always work That was just the social norm They should
[01:31:39] You guys are you guys are together But you live all the way across town This is gonna be a big tunnel Like you know where it's like Wow Yeah Like the poor development guys have to be like Yeah we'll figure it out I mean I don't know what
[01:31:49] That's how it should work Good Personal space Uh huh You know Um Rucasalt with the scrolls I mean we talked about this a lot This rules I love Rucasalt Yeah the nuts are great Yeah You love a Rucasalt Not as like a character
[01:32:05] But like I love that she's like Such a psycho bitch basically She's pretty bad Yeah It's great This one I mean She looks maniacal Yes She looks really good Whereas like the Wilder Rucasalt is kind of more of a brat This child feels like an associate path
[01:32:21] Right because she won't listen I like it whenever he tries to reason with her He's like you already have all this stuff And she like you know She dials up to like full psycho mode Right she feels like she's gonna murder her parents Yeah I think
[01:32:33] It feels like she's gonna like murder the squirrel Like she doesn't want to squirrel for a pet Just like I'm gonna do an experiment on it Yeah Maybe she's a viral Uh huh She's like Joan Cusack and the Adams family The Adams family values Yeah
[01:32:47] Or it's like if you cross her once She sets the whole house on fire Yeah But I do like Like Imagine having a kid And it turned out to be like a good son situation That would be rough No one talks about that enough Uh well that's
[01:33:01] You worry about your kid having like asthma Or an allergy or something But what if they were a Macaulay Culkin in the good son David it sounds like you need to talk about Kevin It sounds like Right about now The doctors like we've run some tests
[01:33:14] Everything's fine except Uh 47% chance of Kevin situation Keep them away from the bows and arrows I wish My parents were very upset with me flying a kite at night Here's Ben And I learned that that's not the time you do that But I like night kites
[01:33:35] Isn't that in the movie Isn't that in the movie He flies a kite at night Am I thinking of the right thing Where I'm just like What is happening Flying a kite at night Yes night kites Night kites I like it Okay but here's the problem with this
[01:33:48] It's creepy apparently Ben here's the problem with this bit You have told much worse stories about things you did as a child I was like did Ben actually fly a kite at night Right we cannot suspend or disbelief enough
[01:33:58] To imagine that that's the thing that concerned your parents Jesus MikeTV There's a 2001 gag Yeah Also a psycho gag Oh yeah of course They go to multiple movies and TV shows The Oompa Olympus did their little news program And they had their hair melt
[01:34:16] I know when you see like Deep Roy's calves Like they really go all in on the psycho Kind of swole Deep Roy kind of swole I mean is there any, the Vruca salt This thing is good I mean the set's really cool We talked about the squirrels
[01:34:30] The song's just fun I think this one is really great I think the very versatile The other thing I like is that Like by not making the movie a musical It makes It creates the comedic game Of the people being like why are they singing that Right sure
[01:34:44] Because when you already have like three musical numbers Before they get to the factor You're like well the Oompa Olympus Are singing because it's a musical That's like the device of the movie But in this every single time The reaction shots are so good Right
[01:34:55] It's them being like what the fuck Am I watching It's like a funerial march thing Like yeah Every time a kid like gets sucked into the hole Or like falls down the shooter Gets rolled away or whatever They all like They play this like very ominous
[01:35:09] Like Danny Elf and Sleepy Hollow music Why didn't anyone just leave after Augustus That's a great question Like I probably would have bailed Right like you're just Your policy with this kid is to suck him into a tube Can we go Well it's mostly because I hate singing
[01:35:24] Like I would be like no I can't deal with this Pilot you like singing I hate singing in movies so much In movies okay for her We've established I hate it You don't think the chocolate factory Is kind of like fast It's a little like fast
[01:35:38] All these oompa loompa acts It's a little like fast I don't know I don't think many children have died at fast Oh well Well yeah it's probably right I mean if you told me a kid like Drowned in a motel pool or something I'd be like sure
[01:35:51] Tells us something might happen at fast Right If you told me that a kid at fast Got attacked by squirrels I would believe Hardest squirrels Those things are on bath salts Yeah If you told me a kid at fast Turned into a blueberry
[01:36:03] And got rolled away by D-Broy I would believe it Yeah I would love that actually It was just I don't know The singing I just can't deal with D-Broy does sound like the name of a band That would play at fast Yeah D-Broy
[01:36:16] It's weird there's not a band called D-Broy Right and their logo is like a guy Falling into a pit He's D-Broy What else has D-Broy been up to recently I guess it's just Star Trek That's really it Oh he's Keenster Keenzer Keenzer That was very close Yeah
[01:36:30] You're looking at a computer Let's make it clear You're correcting me I know Keenzer's name Excuse me What if that's my nickname for him though The Keenster Yes he's great in Star Trek Especially in the first one When he goes like this Remember He's a great physical comedian
[01:36:45] Yeah When Scotty beams away I just think people don't like comprehend The quantity of acting he had to do In this He had to do every single one Right like they're not doubling it up At all No because their distinct performance
[01:36:59] Is there so much he has to do And that's he was interacting with other people The least Right In a movie that otherwise Everyone's in scenes with other people Whether in a practical set Or in green screen elevator land You're actually like with other people
[01:37:13] And he probably just had to spend like weeks With Tim Pertmer He's like cool And now this is Medic Oompa Loompa Number 12 This one is checking the charts You know They're like great This is Medic 13 He's like flicking his finger Against the syringe Sure
[01:37:29] I mean that fucking bit is so good The burn ward My favorite joke I also like that the great class elevators in this I don't like that it has rockets though Don't like that I think it's fair In the books They're like how is this thing outside
[01:37:44] And he's like skyhooks And you're like what You know it's like one of those great Like Willy Wonka moments Where he just says some crazy stuff I think it should have like propellers Propellers would be fine Little propellers would be fine That'd be a little more burtony
[01:37:54] The rockets feel a little too 2005 To me Yes MikeTV gets turned into media He gets turned into content as we all do Willy Wonka's big ploy to turn chocolate into content There are a lot of good gags in that whole sequence
[01:38:10] Like Deep Royce sort of like leaning over To look at the TV Because they're blocking and stuff like that Yeah And I like that weird hermetic room The oompa loompas are so weird So weird But that's what I like Like I like the unease of them
[01:38:25] Being like who are these robots Right Are they malevolent Like You know of course they're from the oompa loompa tribe And MikeTV's dad is like I teach geography And Willy Wonka just interrupts him And he's like so then you know very well What I'm talking about Right
[01:38:44] I just like how sinister all of this is And it doesn't feel like Like twisted for twisted sake It feels like he's digging into all the things That people make jokes about Sure And being like let's own how fucked up this entire premise Sure
[01:38:57] And then the movie ends And Charlie rejects him And he's like that's really about my dad Then you meet Christopher Where you getting the flashbacks throughout the movie I'm nodding Little Wilbur Wonka Nodding and agreeing What's his father's name? Wilbur Oh the father's name is Wilbur
[01:39:11] I like to thank William Wonka Yeah A young William Wonka Who loves nothing more than candy Maybe my favorite joke in the movie Is when he runs away from home To see the sights of the world And he does his little Martian In front of all the flags
[01:39:26] That's a good gag That's a good gag I mean that's like You're like a fucking Burton Coming up with jokes and gags again Well John August wrote this We should also give him credit This is an August script And August had never seen the movie Love the book
[01:39:43] Freddie Heimor Never seen the movie Love the book Burton didn't like the movie And he said to them Like don't watch the movie We're making our own thing We're going off the book Which I think you feel in this movie Less of an effort to be like
[01:39:56] We have to make this different From the original I guess but the plot is so prescribed Like in the book And it's the same in all of them It's very episodic Let's meet the kids Right Let's do all their deaths No, I think Burton tends to work best
[01:40:12] In a somewhat episodic realm This is a thing I've sort of been Realizing while re-watching his movies I read an interview with Daniel Waters A screenwriter Batman Returns And Burton had asked for him So he went into Pitch Warner Brothers And he read the script
[01:40:28] The same hammered written And he said This makes no sense This is so plotty And if you've seen a Tim Burton movie And you're smart You should be able to tell at this point That he doesn't give a shit about plot
[01:40:41] So I want to put a bunch of stuff in there Right Because he likes events He likes ideas He likes set pieces You know? Right Like you can have the thing Thematically I know I think that all makes sense What you're saying Right
[01:40:55] And so he wrote Batman Returns Is like a series of concepts Which like Emily argued Is like that movie is disjointed And I argue the film works Because all those concepts Are all tied together thematically Willy Wonka is like A cousin of the Penguin To adopt Yes Right
[01:41:13] But there's a little overlap But if he's going to take in Some, you know Someone else's And the penguins are cousins Of the oompa-loompas It would be funny if this movie Ended with the penguins marching A dead Willy Wonka into the chocolate river Yes That'd be good
[01:41:26] What's the failing of Alice in Wonderland? That he was like So many But that's also episodic though But what I'm saying is He said in all his interviews I wanted to make it less episodic I always felt like Alice in Wonderland Should have a stronger narrative
[01:41:37] And the narrative Is a bowl of dog diarrhea That you don't give a fuck about And you wonder why they can ask for it She's the one Right You're right You hate this We're going to get into it In a week or two When is this
[01:41:49] Did he make anything in between? Sleepy Hawk Not sleepy arms Sweet type Sweet night Sweet night But he's best when it's like Mars attacks cutting between Like different things Bieldruis does not have a super Propulsive plot Peewee is like a road trip movie
[01:42:05] Like when he's in this zone Of just like events I get you So Wonka is a good fit It's in his wheelhouse in that sense Even Edward is like episodic Yeah The only mistake I think he makes Is the kind of loose side of
[01:42:18] Charlie and Grandpa Joe in this film I don't think they have to be As centralized as the Gene Balder movie Yeah, but they got But you need But I like that though Because I like that he's just always In a background So that's why he doesn't get
[01:42:28] Into any trouble That's kind of cool You think that's the lesson Of this movie for children Is like just take it easy Yeah, if you don't do anything You'll be fine Right Like he's the only one Who's not like trying For lazy children everywhere
[01:42:39] I'm like I support being lazy The Malder movie adds in The bubble soda where they float Which Fuck that Raldahl hated But they're also like Every time they go into a room Like Charlie and Grandpa Joe Go off into a corner And like do color commentary
[01:42:52] On everything else that's happening And this once Wonka enters It like becomes Wonka's movie Where you're just on this Weird tour with this guy You don't understand Right Who makes so little sense And is so prickly Except for these little flashbacks Which are filling in What's pretty obvious
[01:43:08] From the first time The first flashback We get it Yeah, I know When you see the headgear You get it Christopher Lee is the dad Is really good casting Of course No objection there Love Chris Lee Bring him in Any time Tim Burton loves Chris Lee
[01:43:22] And Vincent Price Right He cast Vincent Price In his early movies In Cisner Hands Right And then Christopher Lee He puts in Sleepy Hollow Christopher Lee is old At that point in time I bet he's probably like Well this is the one chance I'll get to work with
[01:43:36] Christopher Lee And then Christopher Lee Out of nowhere becomes Like America's favorite 90 year old movie star And suddenly becomes a name That he can put In all his movies In between Sleepy Hollow and this He made two Star Wars' Yeah, two Star Wars' Two Star Wars'
[01:43:49] Two Star Wars' And three Lords of Rangs And everyone's like All in on Christopher Lee now So now it's like And Christopher Lee As Wilbur Wonka Yeah DDS Did you know that Dwayne Johnson was Burton's Second choice for this? Yeah Which would have been great
[01:44:03] For D.E.P. to be clear Not for the dad Because he also He wasn't as big In 2005 No, it's sort of The beginning of his Like Well I meant like Physically But I think like He also was actually less insane Like 2019 Dwayne Johnson
[01:44:17] Would be so terrifying to children But that was always Hey kids! You read all of Burton's Weird casting ideas And it was either The actors he's worked with before And loved people who were Obviously in his wheelhouse And then his second choice Would always be
[01:44:32] A weird energy choice Like him wanting Sammy Davis Jr. For Beetlejuice Where he's like I don't know He's kind of like a Wheeler dealer showman My pick is Henry Rollins Henry Rollins He's tortured He could do good monologues He's intense He doesn't like kids He would roll
[01:44:50] You would roll You roll You guys have all seen that video Where Henry Rollins is like What was it? It was for like His IFC show or something Where he's at the record store Say hold on D.P.D. for some reason The Henry Rollins show
[01:45:03] Not for some reason Not surprised I know exactly I'm not even a big Henry Rollins fan Well you're a big Henry Rollins show fan Yes Very clearly Also he was on Paul Reiser's show Was he on The Paul Reiser Show? I believe so Wow
[01:45:19] And he's in Bad Boys too Your favorite show Yes, my favorite show No one ever said it's at the Paul Reiser show Wait I think it aired like 3 or 4 Right The mad about you revival airs on Spectrum Originals Is the Paul Reiser show going to air with it
[01:45:35] Or next after They're also reviving the Paul Reiser show Everyone wanted the mad about you revival But Reiser insisted that it was packaged with the Paul Reiser show Yes Which also had like Andy Daly and Omija Liliana Yes Yeah What I was going to say one
[01:45:53] There's I believe it's a Henry Rollins show clip In which he goes to a record store With like a humanitarian like writer And he's like showing her what America's like And some kids in the record store yell Hey get in the van
[01:46:10] And he like turns his head to shoot them daggers And then is like walks up to them and is like What's what's the idea you make fun of the old guy Well because you're so turned on You're so hip What you make fun of the old guy
[01:46:24] You trust fun babies And he just eviscerates these like two kids But his head turned to hey man get in the van Is the funniest thing on the entire internet I recommend that everyone go find this video It doesn't even sound like they were being mean
[01:46:39] Just like oh I recognize him That's the name of his books Yeah Like when he was traveling with Black Flag And then he's very condescending Oh I know you He's very condescending to this woman he's with Where he's like you have to understand it's um
[01:46:51] That's the title of a book I wrote it's very popular People are big fans of it I actually won several awards for it So if someone says that to me they're mocking me So he like He like brags about how well known the thing is
[01:47:05] And then gets like violently angry at someone for calling him that He rules I was sort of zoning out during all that Yeah cool No no no objection I was just thinking about I was looking at the Rocks filmography Pre-Southland Tales The Rock Makes sense for him
[01:47:20] It's cool this year is his Be Cool and Doom But you get the sense of that thing of just like All movies I saw in theaters Of course There's something kind of creepy This point in time with how big the rock is
[01:47:32] And how hard he's trying to be like friendly and approachable Like this was before he had like figured his thing out And he was sort of moving out of action films into family movies And it was like this big guy who's like trying to be very like accessible
[01:47:45] He's now at the size The Schwarzenegger's type size where it's like He's in a movie it has to be addressed Yeah Or you just don't address it but then it's weird Right Yes I agree with him Now he is that side Now he's that side
[01:47:59] Where you're like you can't pretend this is a normal looking person This man right was in the military for a long time Like needs to be said Like people would just be like what's this guy's deal Right
[01:48:09] The width of your body shoulder to shoulder is more than your height Like once you have that sort of axis fight going on Like he probably has to have like specially designed like showers And right like things like like in his house now Right
[01:48:28] He can't like clear a doorframe without like turning sideways No every doorway in Dwayne Johnson's house is shaped like Dwayne Johnson It looks like he just like bugs bunny through a wall How tall is Dwayne's toilet is like the squirrel thing He's 6'5 Wow He's so tall
[01:48:43] Wait I miss Ben's joke his toilet is what? Like the squirrel thing in this movie Yes three comedy points And he does have squirrels evaluate his poop Right and he does those like big like his cheat day is like 80 pancakes and tequila
[01:49:01] Is that what he does you've been talking about his tequila He suddenly I mean you follow the raw fare His Instagram is really great when he's on his cheat days His cheat days are good but also he's all about tequila now because he's clearly launching a tequila brand
[01:49:14] He wants to make that George Clooney money So now he's like only my closest collaborators are invited into the tequila circle And it'll be like a picture of him and like you know San Andreas director Brad Peyton Doing tequila shots
[01:49:29] I mean if the rock had a tequila factory Then you got five kids to toilet That would be amazing That would be a pretty good movie Pilot Fuck We figured it out God damn it That would probably be a gentleman six
[01:49:44] Well pilot congratulations you just made three million dollars with that pitch God I was gonna make a joke about you know if the rock ass Brad Peyton would drink poison would he do it But like now I can't even
[01:49:56] You have like 15 days to pitch this before this episode comes out and is a feeding frenzy This will be the biggest spec sale in history It'll tie in with the launch of his brand Are you fucking kidding me? He would buy this
[01:50:15] But it would also result in so many drunk children Yeah well that's where we're headed As a society Seven bucks productions will pay you seven billion dollars for this concept Because it'll be like Quaker Oates financing the movie to launch the candy bar
[01:50:30] He's like taking out patents for his tequila but he hasn't launched it yet He needs a good movie to launch his tequila He needs some sort of shape that the bottle can be in and he's trying to find that right
[01:50:41] Yeah it should definitely be in the shape of his body Yeah definitely Well it's a lot of tequila Not just a scale Not just a scale though Just one big pack Yeah one pack It's just a pack A crystal pack
[01:50:57] It would be great if like Michael Jordan Cologne it was like the silhouette of his head Cause his head and his neck are distinctive enough now you know I would agree He's bald Yeah
[01:51:08] Did you see Finding We Were Telling Him About Finding We Were My Family but you didn't see it I can't believe you haven't seen that It's not like Pilots are a page fan You're not a page fan I'm not a page fan
[01:51:18] Cause I was asking Pilots like about page Because the movie kind of fails to tell you what pages ring persona was like Sure But uh She had like a very quick sort of rise and then several injuries and is now retired Right Sort of It was pretty fast
[01:51:35] Yeah But ring persona was mostly just like being British and yelling this is my house And wearing like awesome outfits which is actually pretty good To me sounds good This is my house English I'm like science sealed and delivered Why would you care about that
[01:51:51] Let's play the box office game Unless there's anything else you want to say No I think the end of the movie is nice I mean it is a little too pat in terms of solving everything Yeah That's my problem
[01:52:01] I do like that he is still kind of standoffish when he comes into the house But he's like trying to remember to say nice things The like Oh I like it It's weird that they move the house into the factory I like that I like that
[01:52:14] It's cool that the soft shakers are cool And the final De Broglie reveal is great Yes Yes that is amazing Jeffrey Holder a great voice That I love I don't like when Charlie's shining his shoes That upsets me for some reason That he's got to work that job
[01:52:29] Yeah Yeah it's a little weird The only other thing that I hated about watching it is that I gave up candy for Lent And then I watched this and I asked her Fuck And it was so bad I can't believe you did that pilot That's a bold part
[01:52:43] Considering that you don't need a lot of foods It's crazy that you gave up one of the foods I know Your food pyramid is only like three squares And one of them is candy And I also don't drink caffeine anymore Fuck wow What are you consuming right now?
[01:52:57] What are you eating and drinking these days? Water Yeah you have two water bottles in front of you I do often put sugar in the water So it's basically like Kool-Aid Sugar And water That's about it You just drinking sugar water?
[01:53:14] Pilot is looking a little cockroach these days I don't know how to phrase this You kind of look like there's a cockroach shoved in your skin I've tweeted about this And it's not fitting perfectly But the greatest moment in my favorite My favorite movie is Men in Black
[01:53:30] I mean, I don't know, Top 10 You referred to five movies as your favorite movie on the black It's in the Top 10 Yeah And my favorite moment in the perfect movie Men in Black Is when Tommy Lee Jones says Let her go shit eater
[01:53:41] While he's pointing a gun at Vincent DeNaufreo And Will Smith just gives him this look of like Jesus like and it's not brought up again It's so good I think I can tell Let her go shit eater I can tell the story because he told it publicly Okay
[01:53:55] George Lucas show Show I Do on Monthly Basis at the UCB Theater And Eric City Water does that show I'm sorry Show that my good friend Wato does With his good friend George Lucas That neither I nor Conor Ratliff Have no involvement in Ed Solomon
[01:54:12] The writer of Men in Black Co-writer of Men in Black And Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Was on the show recently And he said that When Tommy Lee Jones signed on to make the film And Will Smith came on much later
[01:54:25] They were struggling to find someone to play the Will Smith part They wanted David Schwimmer And then it was like Ethan Hawke Crazy Crazy, right? No one wanted Will Smith What? It was one of those things where like then They were like talk me into Will Smith
[01:54:43] Cause Schwimmer is still at the top of the pyramid here And then like independence day came out When they were like about to start filming And they wanted to convince Will Smith to do it I think Will Smith was kind of like another alien movie Right
[01:54:54] But Tommy Lee Jones had been on board for a while And they were like oh this is great Like he's a perfect casting He must love the script And he asked Ed Solomon And I'm forgetting his writing partner's name To go out to dinner with him
[01:55:06] And they were like great He's gonna want to like you know talk script with us And he sits down and he's like So the script doesn't work And they were like what are you talking about And he's like either it's a comedy or it's a sci-fi film Right
[01:55:19] It can't be both You have to choose one asshole Wow And Tommy Lee Jones very only said to him You have to choose asshole They're like what are you doing Like we didn't choose Right And they were like so what did Tommy Lee Jones do
[01:55:30] And they were like he was really angry For like the first month of filming And then he finally kind of conceded That maybe it was working as a comedy It's a great comedy But his total seriousness is crucial And we talk about this all the time
[01:55:42] That Tommy Lee Jones can't give a bad performance Because if he's locked in He's giving a really smart performance of a grumpy man And if he hates the movie Then he's just naturally being grumpy Right You said and that was That's on our I believe our Captain America
[01:55:55] Patreon episode We talked about this Rock in the house But he can't be bad You rock Rocks the house I rocked my entire couch to show How much you rock the house And that would be That's on our I believe our Captain America And we're like he's seen
[01:56:06] In the movie Locked in I agree No, it's real life He hates the performance He hates the working on the film Oh, he hates the movie He's like You know whatever And we're like how could he hate it When he's this good And it's like
[01:56:18] Because his like open contempt for the project He's working on Reads as like It helps It's good Right Exactly where he's like Fuck this Yeah But in Men and Bucky has so many one-liner Such as let her go shit eater But also like The thing where he's like
[01:56:31] See this is going to be the new CDs I'm going to have to buy the white album again And he's like He's like You know Like the weird funny line And his lighting is just so good Like he just tosses off Totally flat Like you know
[01:56:41] Very, you know He's first seen where he's like Joking around with the The worms at the coffee counter Yeah And he's just like Totally totally like What's the word It's not monotonal It's Go on keep talking He's sort of like Off the cuff Like he's very loose with
[01:56:55] Off hand I guess Right, yeah A matter of fact Matter of fact Right, that sort of stuff But I wonder if it was Just like Thankfully those things Added across the film So that they don't see here The thing where he always calls him
[01:57:06] Either Mr. White or Mr. Black This is my partner Mr. Black And Will Smith always just gives him a look That movie's perfect Oh it's a perfect film It's a perfect movie Do you like Men in Black Piles? I do, I love it
[01:57:17] I love most Will Smith movies Also Will Smith would have been In Gatewood, Walker Oh He would have been in Not a bad idea Because this is like He would have been rapping Without most of it This is the same year as That would have been good
[01:57:29] This is the same year as Hitch is like a Valentine's day Hitch is so good Haven't seen Hitch in a while Hitch is really good Mendez, even Mendez? Yep Is Hitch the best romantic comedy Of that decade? It'd be funny if you were like
[01:57:41] Is Hitch the best film of all time? Absolutely I don't think Hitch is the best Romantic comedy of that decade I'm gonna pump the brakes on that Okay, well I think it is I think it is Alright Well we'll do Battle at Dawn
[01:57:52] It's my favorite Will Smith movie Of that year Of 2005 Of 2005 I think Pursuit of Happiness Might also be It was So bad It's an Oscar now What about the fact that he does The Rubik's Cube really fast In the car And that's why he gets the job
[01:58:06] Or whatever They play the Christian Aguilera song You know what it's 2006 Yeah, I'm pretty sure Tom Oh, it was the following year? Pretty sure they give you a Rubik's Cube Cause he was one of those Once a year event guys And it would always make A hundred million
[01:58:16] That was just He was like in that sort of Tom Cruise Tom Hanks He had like twenty A hundred million films In a row or something No Tom Hanks had the longest run Was in the badminton Cause he was interrupted By the Olly Bagger Vance back to back
[01:58:29] Which those two bombed Yeah Olly didn't bomb Bagger Vance bomb Olly just like Underwhelmed relative to budget Costs a lot of money But money We're never going to talk about this This podcast or whatever Who cares Hitch rules I remember when I was in high school
[01:58:43] And a couple of us were writing Different top ten of the year list For the movies of the year Sure A guy told me that he was Putting Hitch at his number one And I was like Wow, I respect that Like that's like actually like
[01:58:57] You had Hitch number one? No, another guy who was doing the top ten Oh, okay, I know the guy did My number one was the fucking New World Sure Right Hitch is so much better Not true But Hitch is very close Sure Hitch is not so much better
[01:59:11] It's a little better I love the New World But he was like I'm putting Hitch as my number one movie And I was like Wow, I kind of like I like respect that And then he was like I was joking But I had really thought through it
[01:59:27] And I was like You know what? Not a conventional pick No one's putting on their list But you do have to kind of Like game recognize game Like Hitch fucks Hitch is charming We'll talk about that when we do Our Andy Tenet miniseries Exactly, well good pull Alright
[01:59:41] Number one at the box office It's July 15, 2005 It's Charlie And it makes like 55 million 56 Unbelievable It's a big hit And I remember this very vividly Because it dethroned My most hated movie of this year Go ahead Number three It's number three so it dipped all the way down
[01:59:59] Well there was another big opener this week Okay, so number three is the Fantastic Four Which had inexplicably opened To over 50 million dollars The weekend before I was convinced that movie was going to bomb And it did weirdly fucking right It's made 100 million dollars In two weeks
[02:00:13] I hate that movie You don't like it No, it's my least favorite of the four Fantastic Four Number two Other big release Yeah, it's a comedy It's a comedy Oh, is it Wedding Crashers? Yes Right, because I was trying to describe Wedding Crashers No, because Charlie outgrowses it
[02:00:32] The first weekend And then Wedding Crashers Moves up to number one In the following weekends No, it doesn't Weekend three it becomes number one Maybe, let's see I believe weekend three Yes, weekend three it does It creeps up there And it ends up making more
[02:00:45] In total than Charlie That's Insane Insane That movie was such a big hit And that movie Sucks farts How do you feel about Wedding Crashers pilot? I have only seen it the once Which I assume was like When it came out And I'm sure I loved it
[02:00:59] And I'm sure if I watched it Now I'd hate it That sounds right It is Just most movies in 2005 I remember I saw it in theaters Whenever it came out Because that's what I did And I was like, that was funny And I really liked Rachel McAdam
[02:01:10] Yes, she's very good So charming She's very good Where it was that sort of moment Where you're like Is she the next Julia Roberts? Like wait a second Like have we been sitting on something here? This was her crazy life Because it was that
[02:01:21] A year after Mean Girls Where you're like, whoa And no, because it was Mean Girls And Notebook Or 2004 Right In 2005 She has Wedding Crashers Red Eye Love Red Eye And Family Stone She's really good as well I know you have Family Stone But she's the best part
[02:01:36] Of course But Family Stone is a movie I've seen at least 15 times It's very watchable It's very I don't think I've ever enjoyed it Yeah But I've seen it I mean I enjoy the scene Where Sarah Jessica Parker Points at her skin To indicate a black person
[02:01:48] And the whole family Basically puts her on trial I mean that's a good scene It's one of the most hostile movies Ever made Sorry for spiking that That movie is like Mississippi Burning Except at Christmas time It's also a wife swapping movie There's a lot going on
[02:02:04] In the family Everyone's just so casual about it too Just okay fine We'll just accept this now Yeah But Regiment rules in it Everyone thought she was going to become Julia Roberts And then she like disappears For two years And comes back with the lucky ones
[02:02:17] And time travelers won Time travelers wife Which is like one of those Endlessly reshooted Yeah No she It takes her a while Then it felt like She failed to capitalize It's true It felt like did she miss her moment And I feel like she's gotten back
[02:02:31] Into a good pocket the last five years She got her Oscar nomination Thank God she's so good Love her She rules Should have been known for the hot chick She's really good in that Sure yeah right It's a Shiner movie She's really good in that
[02:02:44] Number four is a film we talked about On this podcast Number four is a film we talked about On this podcast Is it War of the World Every time you're getting them I remember the summer vividly Me too I've seen so many of these in theaters
[02:02:56] Yeah this is That's all I did in 2000 fast We were all like in that Where it's like what else are you Gonna do You know Well the world also own Unboot Lake for my back There you go When you're at this level of like
[02:03:08] Slightly better movie to get from a War It has war in the title Yeah Than Charlie and the Shock of Factor Anyway what was the other one Did your dad like Autograph it Finding Neverland Did your dad autograph the The D.U.D. and say like
[02:03:21] From one war to another No All the rest That'd be weird That'd be weird You think that would be a weird thing to do War of the World It's another movie with an Unsatisfying ending Yeah which Shady loves Yeah Number five is Another movie we've talked about
[02:03:38] On this podcast That I saw many times in theater Department of Games It's a big summer You've also got Mr. and Mrs. Smith All that in theaters Yeah You've got Dark Water Darkest Water There Is It's a wet horror movie Is that Jennifer Connolly That's right
[02:03:53] Jennifer Connolly in a Haunted Water Tower Is that like Haunted Also on bootleg Let's keep going How many of these did you Herbie fully loaded Cause it's Basically most from like 2005-2007 I like God I just love thinking about The Disney Pitch Meeting Where they're like
[02:04:09] It's a reference to her boobs And the guy's like Yeah But then they digitally Trimmed them down Yeah And the parents were freaking Out of the advertising I almost watched that yesterday Cause I came up on Hulu after Talking about the fact Keaton's in it Keaton's in it
[02:04:23] He's really good That movie's not Have you seen documentary now this year? Yes Keaton's really good In the batshit valley I haven't watched those two I've watched the Co-op And I've watched the Marina Brown What was I going to say I'm going to tell us
[02:04:36] What would probably embarrass there But Angela Robinson Who directed Herbie Fully Loaded You don't embarrass Angela Robinson The director of Professor Marston And the Wonder Woman Right, and she also directed Debs which is a very fun movie Debs is so good Debs rules Seminole
[02:04:53] She got Herbie Fully Loaded Off of Debs Because she started getting General Means And she's like I want to make a Disney movie Like what I'd love to do Is make a Herbie movie Have you would have been So much better If it was so much gayer Yes
[02:05:06] So Debs is very gay It's a very fun movie She was an NYU graduate My father Works at NYU So she was like a big Like point of pride student At that point in time Where it's like Look, she made this Like indie gay comedy
[02:05:18] And now she's making a huge Disney film Right It's episode so long Sorry It's fine, no, no, keep going I like it, I like that Romley is like You know, six or seven At this point in time Oh, this is embarrassing Marama Lee Yes Okay, here we go
[02:05:32] So my dad takes her to see Herbie Fully Loaded Which he's amped to see Because she's all it on Low hand at this point Sure But they end up missing The first ten minutes Of the movie And there's not more Because it was
[02:05:44] The day of the gay pride parade Okay Okay So you mean just a traffic issue Or My parents lived right on Fifth Avenue So it was hard to get around Even just walking Crossing the street To get to the theater Yeah My family's not very punctual
[02:05:59] You might not believe that Right So they were late And they missed the beginning Of the movie And Romley At a young age Trying to process things Right Announced I hate gay people For costing her the first ten minutes Or herbie fully loaded Like a very serious Like
[02:06:18] Six or seven year old Like I hate gay people And we had to sit her down And be like No, no Actually The director of the film is gay So you would not even Have this movie Wow That's how you just sort of Taught her like
[02:06:33] To bring it full circle That's how we taught her tolerance And Peter Farrell has optioned The rights to make that Into his next movie That's kind of a good story Kind of That's one of the better stories You've ever told Cause I saw her
[02:06:49] Actually doing the math in her head Right Right, they stopped me from Seeing herbie fully loaded But there wouldn't even be A herbie fully loaded I can't I miss my movie I wanna see Lindsay Wohan Yes And then we were like You know Director of the film
[02:07:07] No, we got it We're done And at the end of the movie Romley invites Angela Robinson over for dinner Right And the whole family cheers On Christmas Eve Green Book Anything else in the box office? Bewitched A lit Madagascar I'm looking for bootlegs here March of the Penguins
[02:07:27] Oh yeah, Bewitched I did Have Madagascar I did not Rebound with Martin Lawrence Where he's like a Basketball player Yeah, don't say no I didn't have a bootleg But I love that movie I left all my marks Longest Yard Crash Me and you and everyone we know
[02:07:46] That must have been bootlegs They're rock Monster in law Miranda July's there Oh boy You know what I spent I just got back from like A week in LA You were in LA I was in La La Land And here's the thing I just had this thought
[02:08:06] I was in the back of a lift And I thought to myself All the people in the city They're in their little Metal boxes So separated Sometimes it feels like they Crash into each other Just to feel something Good point I made that joke to my girlfriend 12 times
[02:08:25] Interesting And she married me Just so that she could divorce me You had to go do Nevada I kept setting it up earnestly Like it was an actual Realization I'd had And I've now been divorced Five times Congratulations Thank you It's a great marriage It is weird though
[02:08:43] In LA it feels like the people Are so distant Separate from each other Sometimes they crash into each other Just to feel something Ben Final thoughts Final thoughts on this movie I think that The fact that It sort of Is setting up that the candy Is growing
[02:09:07] Like it's a tree That grows a candy tree It grows a granny apple Yeah, that's cool That's my final thought Good This is a big Like pep in a step movie And he's got the juice of Giant up being an A-list movie star now
[02:09:23] Cause this is only the fourth time They've worked together And then they do four more movies together Four? You know I guess if you count core spread It's four more Right cause you go across the 90s It's three I know And it's charlie Then they're all like
[02:09:36] Then it's just right He's in everything He's in everything And then Dark Shadows Right But this is the movie Like you go like Mars Attacks Underperforms Big Fish Does Okay, Plain of the Apes Makes a lot of money But everyone hates it Right
[02:09:50] This is like his first sort of like Okay, he's like safely on third movie If not a total home run It's a big grocer One last thought I don't usually like nerds But I like nerds The candy That's a great thought I loved nerds when I was like
[02:10:08] You know nerds are sugar That's it But they're a little compartment I know But nothing like Candy, what's the candy? Sugar? Like just pellets of sugar Right We need something Okay, there's two kinds And it's divided Isn't that weird that nestly Dropped all the Wonka branding
[02:10:22] They still have the rights And they've just taken it away I don't know Maybe they're waiting for Like an ideal moment to relaunch Oh, well we should mention this Warner Brothers is threatening To make another movie Yes They have a script I believe Simon Rich wrote
[02:10:34] That's a Wonka prequel About young Wonka And how he built the factory A movie that I think No one wants to see I would rather see The Glass Elevator 100% Right, that book is crazy Has aliens that look like turnips Called Vermicious Nids Now Warner Brothers
[02:10:49] Has like the president in it And like the president's nurse Is like the secret president There's a lot going on in that one I think Paramount Back in the Day Tried to make the sequel with Gene Wilder D'Alla said no D'Alla state wouldn't give it
[02:11:02] And then Warner Brothers Also they were like We won't let you do that You'd have to prove to us That you can make a good Charlie first Yeah It's kind of surprising they never made it I'm guessing just Depp and Burton Weren't interested
[02:11:14] And that they wouldn't do without them Yeah, they're probably right The Wonka prequel feels like a weird idea They're saying they want Ryan Gosling Or Don Glover to do it Which I'm sure everyone's saying They want Ryan Gosling Or Don Glover to do anything
[02:11:25] Ryan Gosling would be a bizarre choice He'd be very creepy Don Glover, sure He'd be very... I would love Don... I love the idea of Don Glover Growing up to become Johnny Depp Me too That's like Teddy Perkins And explaining it, exactly Right Like being like
[02:11:38] We're gonna explain how I'm gonna turn into The movie should end with him coming out of surgery With like ghastly Johnny Depp prosthetics Right And he's like I'm ready for my factory That would make the Michael Jackson thing work I was gonna say Teddy Perkins baby
[02:11:50] But there is one other adaptation Of this material Do you know this That Warner Brothers has released another film Based on this book Is it like the Hero of Color City or something? No, Warner Brothers has released And I think it was probably an Ash Can thing
[02:12:04] Just to retain the rights That's my guess Tom and Jerry Go to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Or it's like Tom and Jerry meet Willy Wonka In the Chocolate Factory They made an 86 minute film That is a direct remake of the Gene Wilder film
[02:12:19] The designs of the kids, the costumes The factory Exactly the same The cartoon character of Gene Wilder looks like him This one is 79 minutes long So two minutes longer than Stuart Little too It has all the songs in it And the premise is that Charlie and the...
[02:12:32] Tom and Jerry are fighting over a chocolate bar Then Charlie saves them And then they just follow him along into the factory And then once they get into the factory They meet a small oompa loompa mouse Have you seen this film?
[02:12:46] I read the full Wikipedia entry last night It is nightmarish It is so weird Look up any clips of it It's a fucking nightmare I am all but certain they made this To retain rights Because they've had this weird direct to video series Of Tom and Jerry films
[02:13:02] Which Tom and Jerry don't fight with each other And they invade other IP So they did like Tom and Jerry Wizard of Oz And Tom and Jerry Sherlock Holmes And in all of them they don't play the roles It's not like Muppet Treasure Island
[02:13:15] It's like Tom and Jerry just happen to be the Rosencrantz and Gilbenstern Off to the side of some other literary work This is literally just the Gene Wilder one There's the bubble room The exact same songs Except Slugworth is apparently like
[02:13:28] The third lead Slugworth has two songs in it We have to be done How long is this episode for? Two and a half hours Jesus Christ, okay Two hours man I didn't know we were going for that long How could I know?
[02:13:42] We need to give you a big clock Oh shit I gotta get out of here Thank you all for listening Please remember to rate, review, subscribe Thanks as always to Andrew Riguto For social media Joe Bohn, Pat Reynolds for our artwork Liam McIntyre for our theme song
[02:13:55] Go to Blankys.reddit.com For some real nerdy shit Go to T-Pollack for some real nerdy shirts Go to the fucking Patreon And subscribe to that You'll get more content like Tommy Lee Jones' Rockin' the House Pilot, any final thoughts? Anything to plug? No Pilot rules
[02:14:15] Pilot's the best Follow Pilot on everything Follow all of Pilot's work Thank you for making David and I better friends And as always I just realize I have a job in five minutes You're the one who moved the time
[02:14:35] I know because I thought we'd be done by now