War Horse with Pilot Viruet

[00:00:01] Blank Check with Griffin and David, Blank Check with Griffin and David Don't know what to say or to expect All you need to know is that the name of the show is Blank Check Maybe there are different ways to be brave

[00:00:24] Did you know that the French have the best carrier pigeons? And this could be the difference in the war, our message is getting through They are released at the front and told to go home, this is all they know

[00:00:34] But to get there they must fly over work, can you imagine such a thing? Here you are flying over so much pain and terror and you know that you can never look down You have to look forward or you'll never get home

[00:00:48] I ask you what could be more podcast than that? What's the word? Braver than that Hi everybody, this is Griffin Newman with 25% voice This is David Sims With 100% voice Always A buttery baritone

[00:01:05] Yeah and I've got an oily throat right now because I just ate a five guys burger David has been shugging olive oil since entering the studio This is a podcast called Blank Check Your voice is terrible, I'm going to do all the talk

[00:01:20] I'm going to go to a deeper register in order to make my voice less difficult David, this is our miniseries, Pobby if you cast, it's about Steven Spielberg Sometimes they bounce baby Oh come on David, you could do better than that

[00:01:32] Nah not really, we're talking about Steven Spielberg's movies Producer Ben Benduser, Peeper, fuck master, not Professor Crispy Yeah Ben's here He graduated to different titles, producer Ben Sate, Kenobi, Shyamalan This should be a short episode

[00:01:46] Yeah I mean people are going to hate listening to me on a purely surface level in this episode So great guests, pilot, from Vice and my friend Many many My friend And you were on one of our best episodes ever, the Star Wars Holiday Special episode

[00:02:05] Yes, you know them best from the time that we forced our good friend Who brought us closer together as friends to watch a movie that they knew they would hate And that we knew they would hate and then Didn't remember it

[00:02:20] I mean, I don't know, do you remember that episode? No I forgot I did that You did that I think we all liked it Right but that was the podcast holiday special This is podcast horse? Yeah pod horse War podcast Yes and this time by request pilot

[00:02:39] Yeah okay so we're not forcing pilot to do this one Last time, so we I ran Spielberg by pilot The only words were war horse My explanation was a little muddle there but just to make it clear when we were doing the Star Wars run

[00:02:53] We didn't know exactly what our podcast was going to be after that, how long we were going to keep running And pilot is a you know a pivot figure in our, a pivotal figure in our friendship It was very important that we had you on

[00:03:05] You had not seen any Star Wars films at that point in time No I think it was right after I watched all of them At the point where we were going to cover the Christmas special But then you did watch them all You did watch them all

[00:03:17] And said Hating Christian Samuels I think I was asleep for like five of them Right sure And we felt like oh pilot would be funny on the holiday special Pilot would have good opinions on the holiday special You watched it kind of

[00:03:29] You resented us making you watch it And the episode was kind of chaos It was the third episode we had recorded that day We'd gotten in two fights Yeah we got in a really bad fight We were in our pre-Force Awakens

[00:03:41] Yeah no it's okay we don't have to revisit that But we throw you Spielberg as a list and you go war horse Yep And when pressed for an explanation you said horses You like horses

[00:03:52] I hadn't seen it and all I knew about it was that there was a horse named Joey Which I just wanted to watch a horse named Joey Now did you think this was part of the Friends Joey mythology? Yes I assumed it's only one Joey And it is

[00:04:05] It is You know you watched it to confirm yes it is Loosely I mean it's the split to Joey's Unbreakable Yeah exactly it's sort of a side equal Yes No So and then I I bet I can't find it I should go through our message history

[00:04:23] But I think your response was That's not what I thought that movie was going to be about Yeah I also forgot to read about what it was And so all I knew is it was based on like a children's book

[00:04:32] So I assumed it was like a bunch of like just animated horses or something Like doing a play war and just fake shooting each other And did not realize it was like an actual war And a horse So you thought it was going to be like Bugsy Malone

[00:04:45] Like with like ice cream guns I think it was like horses plus toy soldiers is what I was kind of assuming Sure Which you know alright so like let me go through the gestation of War Horse By the way the movie you're talking about

[00:05:00] A pilot that you want to see is called Horse War This is War Horse You picked the wrong one Horse Wars the movie where horses pick up bayonets Alright wait a second actually The actual gestation period of a horse I'm googling is 11 to 12 months Okay

[00:05:17] But the novel War Horse was written in 1982 So it was a much longer gestation from the movie That wasn't funny I mean it was charming I won't even try to sing it because I don't have the range today Michael Morpergo Okay So it's a British children's author Congratulations

[00:05:35] He wrote a book about a goddamn horse He also wrote a sequel War Horse 2? War Horses? I think it's like the grandson now as a horse but also What the fucking horses Wait you have to find a title because I don't remember what it is

[00:05:52] But it's not War Horse 2 it's something even dumber It's called Pal Joey He wrote a lot of books by the way Are they all about horses? Oh god he writes like a book of year good for him

[00:06:03] Do you know this there's this dude who's like a sci-fi author Who has his series his like big series And I use the word big relative It's called Farm Boy Farm Boy Just FYI Talk about de-heightening It was written 15 years later

[00:06:18] I hope Spielberg makes it he should film it What I was gonna say is there's this dude who has this series of sci-fi novels That's like his weird version of Planet of the Apes In which bears take over and just become very militant Okay

[00:06:30] And the key book in the series Oh but they're not actually bears they're aliens who look like bears What are you talking about I just wanted to set up this one factoid Which is that the key book in the series is called The Right to Arm Bears Alright

[00:06:44] And the cover is a bear in clothes holding a fire Great Michael Morpergo he writes War Horse In 1982 it's about a horse that goes to the war Turn your phone off Griffin I don't know if it's me but I'll turn it off Don't think it's me

[00:07:02] This is my Alec Baldwin episode by the way Then Yeah you're very Baldwin-y right now Then 2007 They make a play People love it With puppet horses Crazy puppet horses Not even like the Halloween costume with the horses Like two people or one I don't believe so

[00:07:24] It might have even taken more people It was like ten people It was these crazy like metal things Like the Lion King basically It's like the Lion King but the horse is just sort of the skeleton So it's very representational If that makes sense it's like

[00:07:41] Yeah we'll show you a picture It's like a horse skeleton but then with like I don't like that No I don't like it either There's a guy in the orchestra who played coconuts to do the clip-flop One comedy point But so

[00:07:56] That was the thing that kind of made the play break Was that people were like The puppetry of this horse is unbelievable There's a nuance, there's a detail You have people controlling just the ears And they're not hiding it you know You're seeing this sort of artistry

[00:08:10] Yeah I don't know This doesn't sound appealing Horses look I never saw it People loved the play It went crazy in London and it won all the awards And like the queen went to see it Right came here people went crazy as well

[00:08:23] Went to Broadway and won best play over like Like good plays like it was like a Death of a Salesman I think Is this like a British thing? Like loving horses Well okay I mean yes I guess so right British people do like horses I wouldn't horsey

[00:08:38] I didn't grow up in England I mean the word horsey in Britain means something Which is sort of like that you're like a A bit of a fancy person Like you're part of the horsey set Okay before you start pulling rank the word

[00:08:49] Horsey meets something in the U.S. Of A as well it means the best sauce That Arby's has to offer Very true Horsey means something on both sides But I want to call you out pilot Because you said you liked horses

[00:09:02] I do like horses I don't think I like them As much as British people like horses Nobody on earth likes horses as much as Every single person in the movie War Horse that is for sure You texted Ben and I last night

[00:09:14] With a really hot take on this movie I was watching War Horse Yes And I had a thought You said everyone in this movie Really wants to fuck this horse I mean it seemed obvious Now I had not started my rewatch until after that text

[00:09:29] And this movie tracked a lot better for me Watching it the second time with that in mind Because otherwise you could go like Man the character motivations are kind of sweaty In this movie But if it's a movie about just like

[00:09:40] If you view this as the animal version Of there's something about Mary Sure right right Something about Josie Right like Mary somehow is the cipher That all men project their own hopes And beliefs and dreams onto It's not really engaged with her as a person

[00:09:57] But they're all seeing what they want in her And it drives them insane Sure okay War Horse kind of functions like that So yeah like the French guy is like Lee Evans And like you know the German soldier That's like Chris Elliott Right Like Matt Dylan is

[00:10:10] I think the French guy's Brett Farr Benedict Cumbermatch I think the French guy's Brett Farr Because he's the one who at the end of the movie No the French guy's Ben Stiller Because he's the one at No the kids Ben Stiller The French guy's Farr

[00:10:21] Because Brett Farr is the one who's like Gives it up right right I don't own you You should be with who you'd be happy with Ben Stiller is the one because he was the one At the beginning whatever Great so they there's this damn play

[00:10:33] That everyone loves about horses People flip out People flip out about the horses Steven Spielberg says he was moved to tears By the play Right So just imagine Spielberg sitting there With those puppet horses crying Right And so he's like I'm making a movie I'm making War Horse

[00:10:49] This is my movie now I've made lots of World War II movies What about a World War I movie Plus horses Now He's made zero World War I movies Zero horse movies Correct on both counts I remember people being a little confused When he announced this

[00:11:04] Because it was like Oh man everyone loved that play But the whole thing everyone loved about that play Was the puppetry Right but this one real horses Like let me try to make a more literal version Of this sort of expressionistic thing That kind of touched everybody

[00:11:20] Because the story isn't very broad strokes Would you agree with me That it's a little broad this story Yeah Yeah I mean they're using a paint brush So broad it's Jim Broadbent It's the width of Jim Broadbent Alright alright alright That's beautiful I'm sorry I'm sorry War Horse

[00:11:40] So then he makes War Horse He's gonna have Eddie Redmayne Play the lead role Isn't the lead role of the horse Fair enough Eddie Redmayne was gonna play the horse He's a horsey guy Wait is that the name of the horse? Redmayne?

[00:11:52] No I think his name is Joey Blackmayne Oh sure The main is black I gotta confuse sorry I believe I texted Pilot saying What is it about this horse Pilot's sound He has white shoes or something White feet I don't even know if that's an actual detail

[00:12:09] I can't remember I knew there was something Cause he has described the horse And pretty sure it was white feet White socks And he made this movie It cost a bunch of money It's a big World War I epic And it's about a horse

[00:12:23] Came out two days after Tintin It came out like the same week as Tintin Both movies make an almost identical amount of money That made 80 million domestic 170 world wide It got a best picture nomination Best picture, best score Six Oscar nominations Jesus Christ

[00:12:38] Yeah, cinematography, art direction, sound, score, you know Was this the year they decided like Hey maybe it shouldn't be ten every year Maybe it should fluctuate Yes I think so This was the last year of ten I feel like this movie might have had an influence on that

[00:12:54] Where it's like I mean There are people who love this movie I'm not one of them But I think I like this movie more than anyone else in this room Maybe I think this is a good movie if you take out the horse That's my hot take Seriously

[00:13:10] I think that there might be a good movie in here But no horse So then who do they want to fucking that for? I don't know Eddie Redmayne, like somebody But just like There are sections of this movie that I'm very excited about I agree with that

[00:13:23] I think there are a couple good movies in this movie But then there's all this stuff with the horse I'm gonna give it two sugar cubes at a time All right man And that's the end of our episode Pilot, thank you so much for being here

[00:13:37] Oh the horse Pilot What did you think of War Horse? I hated it You hated it Yes Full on hate I also For some reason did not suspect there would be a lot of violence in a war movie And the horse just made me sad all the time

[00:13:55] The horse This horse goes through a lot of violence It's really brutal to watch Pilot, you are not a huge fan of violence I mean, I am Just not in the case of horses Cause I like horses You're fine with violence against people

[00:14:09] Oh yeah, no like that's fine Yeah, especially Redmayne Not so much, what if it was a puppet horse? Yeah Right, so it's the real horse It's the real horse that upsets me Yeah Stop me if I'm Incorrectly assessing this

[00:14:21] But I feel like your favorite genre is talking animal Yeah, and this horse did not fucking talk Right No animals speak in this movie Which is like what's the point of a movie? It could have at least had a thought bubble What's beyond

[00:14:33] I was waiting for the inner monologue to start The horse is like, jeez But you like movies Not another war Oh brother You're saying calling war horse The bit at the end where Toby Kebbell is like He's the war horse I was like, come on

[00:14:50] He didn't need to say it My dad used to like pimp me out to do my impression You're right, yeah he's the war horse I used to do an impression of war horse Not of the character but of the movie That was based around that moment

[00:15:04] That my dad would be like, griff do that war horse impression again You're like, what's this horse there? It's a horse, it's a war horse isn't it? No, it can't be a war horse Yes it is, I tell ya it's a war horse Jesus Christ

[00:15:19] It would just be people talking about whether or not the horse is a war horse It's a war horse Yeah, yeah it is Okay so, alright I don't think it was that great at war It was just great at not dying It is good at not dying

[00:15:31] This horse is one of the worst warriors I've ever seen Okay, I want to get, no no no More more more This horse gets born, it stands up The movie literally starts with its birth And everyone is just like God what a fucking horse What a great horse

[00:15:44] Some guy buys it And they're like Why'd you buy that horse A shitty horse For farming The army buys it They're like No this is a bad war horse Not good for war So what's the point of this horse Right, the only It's just hot

[00:15:58] It's just like a hot horse The only owners who like the horse And think it's impressive Are the Frenchman and his granddaughter Who are like This horse is great He will kill you You can't ride him Yes I just want to look at him

[00:16:11] Yes he will kill you So if the horse is like a symbol of like innocence Or something like What is the deal with the horse? Fuckability I think if Jerry is And sort of cute fuckability I think it's a movie about coveting About just like

[00:16:29] Gotta have that horse Yeah gotta have that horse It's such a weird film Well cause you know One of the movies I think Is a big influence on this right There are two things I look at As sort of Rosetta Stones For what I think Spielberg

[00:16:43] Was trying to do in this movie Uh huh And very often Spielberg Will pick a project based on like Oh this is a type of thing I've never gotten to do before Right he'll pick an element and go This is a subject matter I've never dealt with

[00:16:54] Or this kind of actor Or this kind of genre Never made a hero to me either Yeah Eseality movie yeah He never made a movie where people were trying to Cuck a horse Um but You're terrible I'm a terrible person yes I will not fight this Um

[00:17:14] Go ahead There are two things I think drew him To this movie One of them is I think he kind of wanted to make his Oh his are about this are Which is This is a terrible version Okay okay I think there's a ball Yes

[00:17:28] Okay yes a movie about everyone's Won't stop being obsessed with a goddamn horse There's a glutton for punishment Right Oh his are about this are Is a is a rap or some movie About this donkey that travels from Owner to owner And is Jesus Right and is Jesus

[00:17:41] And essentially witnesses the The evils you know Right The blunders And the main spots of humanity I guess this one Suffers Okay That's what he was trying to make But the thing with oh his are about this are Is that um the donkey is a mirror

[00:17:57] For its owners Like they don't try to really make the donkey Into a character Right It's more that like the donkey is The plot structure Of how you get from person to person This movie is about how fucking great this horse is It's a good horse

[00:18:11] Which oh his are about this are It's not a good horse Well okay Alright well this is the crucial debate Is it or is it not a good horse It's a perfectly mediocre horse Mediocre says pilot It's a good looking horse Fuckable says Ben Good looking says you

[00:18:23] I've like seen hotter horses Oh no question Now I don't know shit about horses Show me a horse I see a horse I don't really get it Well horses are a horse of course Of course We know this So what's good or bad about this horse

[00:18:37] I mean I think Oh wait are we still talking about Like his war abilities Or like his fuckability Which one I don't know I mean just if you saw him on the street I guess like what would you make of this horse

[00:18:47] I would be like that's a horse Let's send it to war You would just find a war for it to be There's one moment where someone says Like look at the muscles on him And that's like the one specific Like attribute I guess

[00:19:03] He's like a well built horse Yeah Handsome No he's got long legs too Oh long legs but he can't jump He can't really do anything He doesn't do anything Like the kid at the beginning like tries to teach him Like fetch or something

[00:19:14] And he can't like figure it out Alright okay So let's get to the bottom of the movie But what did you want to So he's trying to make a note How's our balthas are But instead Right because that's That's viewed as sort of this

[00:19:26] Instead the horse is the main character Instead of the people But that's viewed as this very canonical Where people go like How did he pull that off How did Bresson do this magic trick Where there's a movie where the main character

[00:19:34] Is a donkey and you empathize with the donkey Yeah And I think the way he does Is that the donkey is kind of a warshark test Right okay Okay the second thing I think he was trying to do Is right before the release of this movie

[00:19:45] A year before Cowboys vs. the Hillions comes out Follow me here for a second Cowboys and Aliens Definitely has horses in it Yes And Spielberg produces it And Ron Howard produces it It's the same year Oh wow Yeah same year I thought it was two thousand

[00:19:59] So John Favre does the series of videos On YouTube The year that Cowboys and Aliens comes out Where he's so proud That he's got a movie That Steven Spielberg produced And they do these series of videos Where they're talking about film making together You know Uh huh

[00:20:13] And it's like clearly the The idea behind the videos was This is Spielberg tapping the sword on either shoulder And going ok Favreau you're next in line right But Spielberg tells the story Um he says like tell me about

[00:20:25] You spent time with John Ford when you were like Young and you broke onto the Warner Brothers lot And you'd be there in this and that Okay And he said once they sort of spotted me And they knew what was up

[00:20:33] And they said this kid wants to make films I said could you introduce me to John Ford And they brought him over to John Ford one day John Ford brings me into his office And he goes I heard you want to be a picture maker

[00:20:42] And he goes yeah And he goes let me ask you a question Can you tell me what you see You want to fuck this horse? You want to fuck this horse And Spielberg said no and he said Until you want to fuck the horse

[00:20:53] You will not be a good picture maker Okay what did he say Come on wrap this up This is the whole story At the end of it Okay He goes look at these two paintings Tell me what you see And the two paintings are both of just like

[00:21:04] The fucking west Uh huh Right the planes Yes And he says it's just two pictures of the same background Okay And he goes but what do you see And he goes well here that's the trees this and that And he goes what do you see

[00:21:16] And he keeps on pressing him until Spielberg Who's like 18 goes like Well the sun's setting in this one And the sun's rising in the other one And he goes and why What does that mean And Spielberg goes like I don't fucking know

[00:21:27] And he goes if you can figure out The answer to that question Then maybe you can be a good picture maker And that's his whole weird fucking And John Ford was like a piece of shit Right As a guy He was a really good filmmaker

[00:21:40] But all the stories about him being a piece of shit This feels like Spielberg Not just trying to make his John Ford movie But also trying to make a movie That's entirely about the difference Between when the sun rises and when the sun sets

[00:21:49] In a very blunt way And that this movie fucking starts with the sun rise And ends with the sunset Right That's very interesting But I have something even more interesting for you Sure This is the number two movie on box office mojo's Category Horse What's number one

[00:22:05] I want you to guess The number one Horse movie Of all time Is it Wait is it racing stripes It is not racing stripes That is number eight We could do all ten baby Hidalgo Hidalgo's number five It's not spirit Four Of the stallion of the Samaritan Flicka

[00:22:22] Flicka number eleven Didn't make the top ten Okay All the pretty horses All the pretty horses Is not in this list Which seems rude The number one film does the horse talk or not No no talking And a crescent of hundred So not the horse whisperer

[00:22:37] Not the horse whisperer which is Let me give you a second Number three I need to know less horse movies You know a lot of horse movies What's that horse diving movie Black beauty Is that one Black beauty is How was that not number one

[00:22:51] You know cause it came out a while ago It's number nineteen I said bullshit Sea biscuits Sea biscuits Number one The only horse movie to crack a hundred mil At the box office Sea biscuit Hey it's almost as if horse movies Don't have legs At the box office

[00:23:06] Yeah you guys got I'm just gonna talk over that You guys got everything but Secretariat number seven Oh yeah The black stallion number nine Which is similar to black beauty They're basically the same All black horses look alike Right there Dreamer inspired by a true story Number ten

[00:23:24] Okay With Dakota Fanning And Kurt Russell And something called the electric horseman Said at Redford and Yes Fonda Okay Can I give you a similar fact Yeah Celine Buckins who plays the French Mrs. Glass in this movie Mrs. Glass My bones

[00:23:42] That's what I always think of when someone has that condition Is Emily Mortimer in thirty months Yeah for my bones So I When watching the movie It was like Did she ever act again cause this was her first film I believe Okay yeah

[00:23:55] So I went to her Wikipedia page She played Emily and war horse The role she won her character And war horse is a young French girl Lives in a farm This is not And I went to the rest of her profile And it just says

[00:24:06] Celine Buckins is a Belgian British teen actress In twenty seventeen she will appear in Netflix Children television series Untitled horse mystery project I'm obsessed with this by the way You've been tracking this project Yeah and there's no info about it at all

[00:24:20] But you just know that there's an untitled Horse mystery project on your way Yeah and like I email them and nothing What did you email exactly What is the mystery Did you say you were hot for Dr Trot I said I wanted to write about the untitled

[00:24:33] Like horse mystery project but need to know what it is And they did not reply Maybe it's like Dick Francis like novels being adapted Buy a horse or starring a horse The horse wrote it I hope it's just a war horse TV series Every week

[00:24:50] There's a lot of casting going on for the horse mystery project So like Celine Buckins is in it Jaylin Baron Oh the great Jaylin Baron Carrie Angrum Oh the great Carrie Angrum There's been some casting Okay Alright This movie starts with A horse getting born

[00:25:05] Jeremy Irvine witnessing the birth of a horse He is coincidentally there at the time and place Of the birth of a horse And God is it love at first sight Now Jeremy Irvine Yes This was almost Eddie Redmayne Yep And then like in a surprise announcement Like they

[00:25:19] There were deadline stories that were like It looks like Eddie Redmayne's in advance Negotiations Right And oh no The lead of this film is Jeremy Irvine And Spielberg was like We had been in the audition process for two months And he was

[00:25:32] The line I thought was really interesting was he said Jeremy we kept on going back to his auditions He did like 10 or 20 auditions And he was the only one who seemed to have The right communication to play the role Right

[00:25:43] Cause he seems like someone who'd rather talk to a horse Yep Than a person I think communication's a very interesting word You gotta buy this actor This character as someone who Doesn't give a shit about his Families failing farm Right Or like the war with Germany

[00:25:59] Happening just overseas But this horse Like this horse Like when a letter arrives They're afraid that it's about the horse Like not like oh is Uncle Jim okay Over on the front or what you know Like the people in town who are fighting No is the horse okay

[00:26:16] How's the horse And on that count Jeremy Irvine succeeds wildly I guess so If you're only judging him through that one prism It's maybe the most successful performance of all time I think he's very Look What were you gonna say pilot I've got nothing

[00:26:31] I just cannot believe anyone cares about a horse That much He cares But he sells that I think nothing else I guess so The only other thing I've seen him in is Stonewall Which is like one of the worst movies ever made He was the lead in there

[00:26:42] He's the lead twink Not that that's a word I can use But he's got that vibe In that film and in this film Would you agree Yeah It's very handsome But in a very boring way He's a sweet boy Yeah he's got an apple face And

[00:26:59] This is a real Apple movie It's a real shiny red apple of a movie This is the Macintosh of A motion picture Look we've talked about this With some of these other Spielberg movies I wanna look at the list just to Where he keeps trying to like

[00:27:15] Find the next kid like Justin Chatman In War of the Worlds Justin Chatman's great Okay pilot Sense the judgment Super babies Baby geniuses too Super babies he's in that He's only Fantastic Is he only in that one Only the second one I believe Does he play baby No

[00:27:31] Okay No Pilot just looked at me with such content No No I'm trying to think of I mean obviously Shia in Crystal Skull I feel like there's another kid He's sort of like He's sort of looking for a kid I mean the girl in

[00:27:45] The Lost World Jurassic Park Right The great Vanessa Lee Chastain You know I don't know He's bad with kids all of a sudden Like he's not picking the right kids I like the kid in BFG a lot But we'll get to that Oh she's cute Yeah

[00:28:00] She's pretty cute I thought that was a good pick So the horse gets born And he's there and it's And it grows up And Jeremy Irvine's always like Checking in on the horse But like this movie opens with A sunrise right It opens with shots of a sunrise

[00:28:15] Over a field And then And immediately John Williams is doing The most score any movie has ever had Truly the most music I've Ever heard in film By all definitions Yeah every yes Everything's a theme basically Right and you see a horse being born And it cuts to

[00:28:34] You do It cuts to the reaction of Jeremy Irvine just going Oh Look at that horse So it's basically like imprinting on him That's what I was gonna say Thank you so much pilot That's what I was gonna say So it's like when the little baby

[00:28:49] Weird baby is born in twilight Correct And Taylor Lautner falls in love with a weird baby And they're gonna get married even though It's a weird baby Doesn't fall in love imprints Yeah cause he's a wolf Devote his love in a way that he will never be able

[00:29:01] To give his love to anyone else ever again And is now sworn to protect and love And care for Right so you're saying that's the deal with Jeremy Irvine Yeah And this horse Joey Right the first three minutes of the film Feel like 15 minutes

[00:29:12] And it's a series of sequences Totally silent of Jeremy Irvine watching this horse Be born grow Pants around You know achieve full size So creepy Weird Very fucking creepy Okay but here's where I Here's my first problem with the movie Yeah So first pivotal scene Is an auction

[00:29:31] Yup Peter Mullen Great Actor Great director too Good director Plays Jeremy Irvine's dad Drunky mick drunkenness Yeah yeah yeah Old drunk farmer Drunkio drunkenness Drunkio drunkery Uh farmer booze Yup Um and then David Thoulis plays Like Lord Evil Like the like the The mustache and sideburns only

[00:29:56] Uh like you know land baron Or whatever Baron persnickety Yeah And he's like I shall have that horse A million pounds please And Peter Mullen Peter Mullen not Jeremy Irvine Is like A million and one pounds Like he like dares defy his lord Right To outbid him

[00:30:14] What does he care about the horse? He just like briefly falls in love with the horse And then Quickly wants to shoot the horse in the face I mean he probably feels like his son isn't gonna find Like anyone else So like he better like support the relationship

[00:30:26] Yeah But when he brings the horse back to Jeremy Irvine Jeremy Irvine uh acts like Oh wow this horse I've never seen this horse before Like he doesn't own up to Oh he's like Oh cool horse Oh yeah It's a good horse Good horse

[00:30:40] I'm gonna call him Joey For him I'm defy enjoying I'm enjoying meaning this horse for the first time I haven't spent weeks upon weeks watching this horse From it's birth But the implication I guess is that David Thulis is the evil landman Yeah but he's not even even

[00:31:00] He's just a dick And like he's like There's a fuckable horse And what purpose does a fuckable horse have If not Just to hang out in like a fancy manner Right written around by rich people and not do much. I need hay. Maybe do some dressage.

[00:31:17] Yeah, do a little dressage. Yeah, be like a dancing horse. Sure. Right? Yes. Right, exactly. A silly horse. Look at this auction, okay? What does David Thule's have to gain from owning the horse, right? He's a rich man.

[00:31:29] He could just put the horse up in a nice stable. His son is kinda like, eh. I mean, it's okay. His son's not even that into the horse. But the idea is that it would be a show horse. How many times are we gonna say horse?

[00:31:39] We're gonna say it so much! The idea is that it would sorta be a show horse, right? The horse would sorta tie the room together. And it would be around and he'd have the money to care for this horse and treat it to the best life possible, right?

[00:31:51] Right. Now he's looking at Peter Mullen. Peter Mullen, he knows. Thule knows that Peter Mullen needs a workhorse. Yeah, a literal workhorse. He's supposed to get that other horse who's like boring horse. Right, because Peter Mullen has to pay David Thule's rent. Yeah!

[00:32:10] Thule's his farm work is not going well because Peter Mullen's drunk. He needs a horse to make it through the season. So you're saying Thule's trying to fuck Peter Mullen out of his land? No, I think Thule wants the horse cause he thinks it's a good looking horse.

[00:32:21] It's a good looking horse! Then Peter Mullen wants the horse and David Thule's like, not only do I want this horse more than you do, but also you shouldn't have this horse. It would be irresponsible for you to buy- Right, it's a stupid decision to get this horse.

[00:32:33] This is not the right horse. I've looked at your books. Right, yeah. I've looked at your land. You should not buy this horse. Right. So, he turns immediately like giving David Thule reaction shots of him waxing his mustache tips. Yeah, well, and also David Thule is,

[00:32:46] he excels at playing kind of like a sniveling evil guy. Yes. And so they fight over this horse- They buy the fucking horse. Peter Mullen buys the fucking horse. Look, we gotta move it. This is a two and a half hour movie. It's a long movie.

[00:32:56] And now they got this horse, they got a real wacky goose. Yeah, they got a wacky goose. The wacky goose has like four scenes. Yup. Did Danny DeVito play that goose or something? If this was war goose, I would be so much happier.

[00:33:12] War goose is a movie I would say. 100%. Steven Spielberg's War Goose? Yes. That is it. It bites people. It's a goose that bites. I mean, it's better in a war than the horses. Yeah. It's little. It can like weave in and out of traffic.

[00:33:26] Can I say the goose gives a better view of the war? Oh, the war traffic? Yeah, war traffic. That's how war works, right? Yeah. It's like a big traffic jam. We're pitching so many sequels here. Yeah, the goose is better than the horse, you're saying.

[00:33:37] I mean, it must have been multiple horses, right? It can't have just been the one horse. Sure. Horse. Sure. Horse. So here's the farm. Emily Watson. I don't know. I wanted to buy this horse. Emily Watson first build in this movie.

[00:33:50] You flipped out over the billing in this movie. I was texting Griffin about the billing. Emily Watson is first build. She's like, oh, he bought this fucking horse and I hate you. But I love you, I guess. I don't know. Right. Whatever. Well, I guess we'll make do.

[00:34:08] It's sort of hard to tell how much he's bankrupted the family by buying this horse. It's not good. Yes. This is one of those movies where every single line of dialogue every character says is the most important thing they

[00:34:18] have ever said or will ever say in their entire life. OK. You know? Like everything is a grand proclamation. Yes. Yeah. So the horse has to plow a field. There's like 20 minutes of the horse plowing a field. That's like, Jimmy Irvine.

[00:34:33] People like gathered to watch the horse plow the field. Jimmy Irvine pretending he doesn't love this horse. It's just like, oh, I'll just, this is a job. I guess I'll have to do it. It's tough laugh. He's like, negging a horse. Yeah, he's negging this horse.

[00:34:45] Also names it Joey. Names it. After Joey Cerviani. Right. Which we've been established because they were watching Joey earlier. And this film is long, right? It's an epic movie. I understand Spielberg wants to tell an epic story. But to literally give us a 22-minute section. I counted.

[00:35:01] It's 45 minutes before they go to war. Right. So for the first 45 minutes, you could just call this movie horse. And 22 of those men are just Jimmy Irvine watching an episode of Joey. And not even a good one. That's abusive to the audience. No, no, come on.

[00:35:15] If I want to watch Joey, I'll watch it on my own. I don't have to watch it pouched in a horse. Yeah, but Jimmy Irvine brings a lot too. Watching him watch Joey really brings a lot to Joey. It's like that vice show where action bronze

[00:35:24] and watches H&N aliens. Is that a thing? Yes. Pilot. You can verify that, right? All right. The horse plows the field. Eventually. Takes a while. Takes them so long to learn how to plow a field. Before that, they have to break the horse, right?

[00:35:41] They have to put a little thing over its head. What was that? It was basically like an inflatable thing for a pool. It's like that swim. It's like a pillow people take on the airplane. Yes, it looks like a toilet seat or a neck pillow, but inflatable.

[00:35:54] I guess that makes the horse plow fields. You put the plow on it. But when they're talking about this stuff, there's so much weight to breaking the horse. And I'm like, why does everyone know about horse lingo? They get to go on.

[00:36:08] Dude, there's not a lot going on in Devon. They have horses and they have war, and that's it. Yes. They got horses. They got war. And they have Joey. Did you hear about the Johnson's horse? Like is that what's going on? Oh boy. God, the Smith's horse though?

[00:36:22] Jerry Irvine keeps disobeying when his father's like, this is how you break a horse. And he's like, I got my own way. He's like, no, I'm just going to whisper to it Peter Mullin literally produces a rifle to shoot this horse in the face.

[00:36:34] Because he's like, I've had enough of this horse. Sell the horse if you don't like the horse. And Jerry Irvine grabs the rifle and puts it to his head. I know. It's all the way to 11, like all of a sudden. He's like, fuck this horse. Yeah.

[00:36:49] I would have loved it if it ended there. He just shoots the horse. And Jerry Irvine's like, no! He throws himself on the gun. There's the big day when he's like, I'm going to get this horse to plow the field today. And everyone comes to watch.

[00:37:03] Like people start going, hear about the horse? Oh my god, the horse can plow. It's like the Beatles Let It Be concert. Where people are like, this is big. We have to come. And literally the entire town comes out to watch. Yep, they all watch. Fails conclusively.

[00:37:16] Everyone leaves. The second everyone leaves, but one guy, the horse starts doing it. Yeah, the horse does like performances. The horse is like Michigan J Frog. Like it can plow when no one's watching. But less racist. Two frogs? Yes. There's also a scene where Jerry Irvine's like,

[00:37:34] God, my dad's such a dick. And Emily Watson's like, he was in the war, so shut up. Yeah, shut the fuck out. Yeah, that's just another story. And it's like, but he's a drunk. And she's like, yes, he is, but for a reason.

[00:37:45] But yeah, it's like, you know, she gives a big speech about how brave he is and the horse and whatever and whatever. And then I have one more thing before the war starts. Everything seems good. The horse plows the field. Yeah, 45 minutes, almost entirely devoid of drama.

[00:37:59] They plant the turnips, except for at one point where the dad almost shoots his son. Right, but there's the moment where Thulis comes to him and he says like- Yeah, Thulis comes, and yeah, it's like Inglorious Bastards except no one is at risk. He's basically like your doom.

[00:38:15] And he goes, give me that money. And Mullen goes like, I'm gonna make this horse work. And he's like, that's impossible. And he's like, give me an extension and I promise I'll pay you back double. Yeah, pay you back with interest.

[00:38:25] And then the movie just has a very long time. They plow the field with turnips and then everything looks good and then it rains and everything's ruined. Oh no. I don't know if you remember this pilot. The only thing I remember after the plowing

[00:38:39] and before the war is the horse drag race is a car. Yes, that's right, that's right. That's the only scene I enjoyed. That's the only thing. Jeremy Irvine's got this horse, baby. He's gonna race car. This rich guy's got a car. And it's the son, right?

[00:38:56] Yes, and 1914 is a pretty big deal. Like cars are still new on the scene. It's like owning a spaceship. Ha ha ha ha ha. And Irvine's like, I don't need any car. I got a horse. And so they race the,

[00:39:08] and the lady is kind of like, check out that horse. She wants to fuck the horse. Everyone wants to fuck the horse. Right, he's peacocking with the horse. The lady wants to fuck the horse but the guy thinks she wants to fuck Irvine. But no, it's the horse.

[00:39:20] The horse is so impressive she stands up in a moving vehicle, right? A convertible with no top. She might not know that that's a big deal on a car though. She might not know how cars work. But I remember when this trailer came out

[00:39:32] and the trailer was just the monologue that I butchered and shots of the horse over it. And then like the trailer ends with like a five second shot of the horse just like looking right at the camera. Do you remember that? Yes, oh yes. Yeah.

[00:39:45] And this was like kind of- Why did anyone go see this? Seven million dollars domestic. It was seen. That shot. Number two box office Mojo horse category. That shot was kind of a centerpiece shot of the trailer. The woman slowly standing up in the moving vehicle

[00:40:01] and giving the Spielberg look at the horse. And I remember people being like, Jesus Christ this fucking movie. Like that trailer was like six months before the movie came out and it was like, is this what the whole movie's gonna be?

[00:40:11] Like just a series of Spielberg looks at the horse and guess what? It is. It's basically like from National Lampoon's vacation but with a horse. So the horse, the war, the World War I, the World War I starts. Can we start calling it the war to save time?

[00:40:30] The war horse what? The war. The war. Okay, so the war starts. Tom Hiddleston shows up. Probably best performance in the movie, right? My winner would be my Oscar winner that year. Your Oscar winner for best supporting actor? Absolutely, such an incredible performance pilot.

[00:40:45] No, I would say the horse is the best. But no, the horse is lead. Yeah. Hiddleston would be supporting. I thought Emily Mortimer was lead. Yeah, that's true. First build. It's Emily Watson but also true. Also true, my bonus. I confused all the Emilys.

[00:41:00] Well, Emily Mortimer actually did secretly play the little French girl with the bones. Yes. I did for a while keep thinking Emily blunt. Yeah. Yeah. Look there's some British Emily's out there guys. Keep your eyes peeled. Tom Hiddleston buys the horse. Why does Tom Hiddleston buy the horse?

[00:41:15] Good looking horse. He likes this horse. Look at that horse. Because they very quickly becomes clear they're like, this horse is in fifth for war and Jeremy Irvine comes over and he's like, please, please. He's like, don't buy this horse yet, dick.

[00:41:25] And he's like, look I know this horse is worth more than you say it is. Right. Then I just bought it for. But that's all I got, baby. Even though I know the horse isn't good at the job,

[00:41:35] you hired it to do and won't have to be good at the job, I'm hiring it to do. War. Damn, what a good looking horse. Now we'll get to everything Hiddleston does but I just want to address the fact that Hiddleston buys the horse,

[00:41:48] takes the horse to France. First makes an insane promise which is I'm paying you $300 as a loan. I promise you. I'll bring the horse back. I live through this war, I will personally return the horse to you. Then draws charcoal pictures of the horse. Yeah.

[00:42:04] Just of its face. He draws it like one of the next French girls. To keep. Yeah, he really does. Just to keep Jeremy Irvine informed of the horse's progress. Which, all he's saying is like still a horse. Like it turned into like a cow

[00:42:19] like when we took it to France. Can I just share one thing really quickly? Of course. So when I was a kid in horseback riding I was very into drawing horses and there was the only thing I could draw except I couldn't draw horse heads.

[00:42:30] So I had an entire sketchbook that was just headless horses. Fuck. It's like something you'd find in a horror movie. Some child's book of headless horses. The horses are really hard to draw. You could have done a really good Godfather spin-off comic book series. All those headless horses.

[00:42:49] So you did ride horses? I did. Wow, this is a huge one. Did you enjoy riding horses? Sort of. No seat is uncomfortable and it hurts. And the horses don't really wanna play. Well you have Mr. Glass syndrome. Yes. The bones.

[00:43:04] It does seem like a lot of work. It seems like a lot of work to ride a horse. I mean, kind of. Once you learn how it's fine but the first few lessons are really annoying and the horses are generally just very surly all the time.

[00:43:17] So you know who isn't surly? Who? Joey. Sure. Joey the Worse. Yeah. So when you say that this horse is okay looking you don't get why people find this horse so attractive. No, it's not like a Clydesdale or anything. Right, exactly.

[00:43:31] You're someone who's seen a lot of horses and been close to a lot of horses, felt the magnetism. You're speaking from a greater point of reference than the rest of us. Bay horse. Just, that's it's breed. Like B-A-E? B-A. Yes but also no.

[00:43:48] But also B-A-Y which is a, Five times more talent. It's just a hair coat collar. All right so we don't even know what kind of horse it is. It's like a very mediocre horse, like entirely. Like it's abilities, it looks like it's just,

[00:43:59] it wouldn't ever win an award. It's like the terror read of horses. Basically, it's not even that talented though. You can cast it well. You have a bit of a terror read voice right now. I really do. You're sounding horse. Oh, Jesus Christ. War horse.

[00:44:13] So the war horse goes to war, which is the war in the movie's title. This movie's so long. It's very, very long. This movie is incredibly long. Would you say that this movie is long Griffin? Oh yes. It's quite long. Let's talk about Hiddleston's performance a little bit.

[00:44:29] Love Tom Hiddleston in this movie. Tom Hiddleston at this point has been, has he- This is the year Thor comes out. Thor comes out this year. So he's like- He just hit the map. Right. I mean, he's been around. But in terms of- I'm looking him up.

[00:44:43] Major American film. He just hit the same. Yeah, he really had. He'd really been in like nothing. Yeah. So when it came out that earlier that summer, Avengers comes out the following summer. So the Hill, Stoners, all of that had get to happen.

[00:44:56] Is that what they call themselves? Yeah. Yeah, right? Right? Apparently he's, he's F. Scott Fitzgerald in Midnight in Paris. I forgot about that. Oh yeah, he's very good at that. He's a good actor and he's good in this. Right. He's great. Yeah, I mean-

[00:45:09] He plays James Nichols, the captain. He's the only actor I think is who loves this horse. He loves this horse. Yes. I think Cumberbatch is too. I think that this whole section is the part I like of the movie. I like this part. My fair part comes later.

[00:45:20] Ah, you twerp. You like the glass bone girl. No, I don't. No, I don't. That shit's bad. No, I don't. And that speaks to the failure of this movie because I should love that. Right, right, right. You're a sap. That's so in my wheelhouse. Right.

[00:45:34] And a contrarian in a goofball. And to make a movie about a little French girl with glass bones who just wants to ride a horse. Griffin Newman A plus number one. Yeah. Yeah, like they botched that shit. I think that's the worst section of the movie.

[00:45:50] So I like this part of the movie because it is kind of about what was happening in Britain during World War I, which was all these people sign up for war because they just think like, this is gonna be great. Like we're gonna go overseas.

[00:46:02] We're gonna have some triumph. We'll return home victorious and full of daring dude. Like Tom Hiddleston legit is like, I'll be home soon with the horse. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And they meet up in France with Bennett Cumberbatch and Bennett Cumberbatch is like, check out my horse.

[00:46:17] My horse is a black horse and yours is brown. So good horse, right? They have a horse race. There's supposed to be a war going on. They have enough time to do a whole race. And Cumberbatch and... There's a lot of racing in this movie.

[00:46:29] A lot of racing is fine. Cumberbatch and Hiddleston are the two actors of this movie who feel like they stepped out of 1947. Yeah. Their faces match. Although that would be 30 years off from when this movie is taking place. I'm talking about more the... The acting, yes, absolutely.

[00:46:44] Like this is the old 40s movie. But he's trying to make a 40s movie. Yes, definitely. And even just in terms of their awareness of their angles, they're doing these very stilted, physically controlled performances that also have like a depth of feeling.

[00:46:58] Which is the thing that when people tried to make films to... As homages to that time, always becomes tricky is it's like, can you train actors who have been schooled in a... Can you train them like horses? Can you train them like horses? Can you break them?

[00:47:12] To plow fields? Yes. Can they plow? Can they put on the donut? Can you fuck them? Can you train actors who have been schooled in a greater form of naturalism? No, I get you. Into a performance style that still has emotional depth and honesty, but is very theatrical.

[00:47:31] And these two guys, unsurprisingly... They're good at it. Really fucking good at it. And they have the right faces and the right voices and they give real movie star performances and then they both die. That's what I love. So they're just like, this is great.

[00:47:42] My horse is faster than your horse. They probably like making out in the tents. So they're like, I don't know, right? Like they all seem to be having a great old British time. And then they're like, great. Now we're gonna do a cavalry charge. This will be fun.

[00:47:53] We're gonna surprise some Germans. And then the Germans are just like, oh okay, well we'll just use our machine guns. Cause this is like modern warfare and then they just all die. They brought a horse to a gun fight. And there's that fan.

[00:48:07] It was a hot horse, but it was a horse. And there's that fantastic shot of Hiddleston's face when he's doing his charge and then he just realizes like, oh this isn't gonna work out for me. And then you don't even see him die.

[00:48:20] Like that's the last you see of him. Now pilot, I'd like to, at this point, set up a segment for this episode, which is as a talking animal expert as someone who recapped every episode of Dog with a Blog. I believe has seen all the films

[00:48:34] in the Air Bud Air Buddies franchise. How would you, in this film, were you given a pass on the script or even a pass in the edit room and gave Joey the ability to speak? What do you think Joey would say in the section of the movie?

[00:48:54] I, well first in my version, Joey would not be a male horse. True. And she would be voiced by Wanda Sykes. And she would say, shit! And she would get the fuck out of there. That I think is how well her should be.

[00:49:11] If Wanda Sykes, that would be great. If Wanda Sykes was just the internal monologue of this horse essentially. I think that's the only way to save this movie. So you'd have this movie played by Garfield Rules? Yes. Yeah, okay, cool. So wait, what are Garfield Rules?

[00:49:24] Like the animals talk but the humans don't understand them? Is that Garfield Rules? We can hear, they can't, but they can kind of infer emotionally. Wait, does Air Bud talk? No, Air Buddies talk. Air Buddies talk, right? But that's not canon. No, not canon.

[00:49:40] Which we've discussed before on this podcast, I believe. Don't make me angry about this again. Okay. Can I say something crazy for one second? No, yes, go ahead. Do you know that the television series, The Penguins of Madagascar, is not canon within the Madagascar universe

[00:49:56] and then the movie, The Penguins of Madagascar based off the TV show, is not canon within the TV show? But is it canon within the movie universe? I don't think so. So you're saying there are three separate canons. Yeah. Madagascar, Penguins of Madagascar, Bracket TV, Penguins of Madagascar,

[00:50:14] Bracket's film. Fucking correct. Wait, of all the animals in Madagascar, why would they spin off the penguins? I don't know. Penguins are cute? No. Wow, that's actually kind of a hot take. I mean, they're like fine. Oh well, do you mean... They're not cute enough for a spin-off.

[00:50:28] Do you mean these specific penguins are not that cute or all penguins? Yeah, real penguins are like fine. Yeah. These penguins are kinda surly. Yeah, what did the penguins do? There's a bunch of them. They're like a shittier version. Also like when you think Madagascar

[00:50:39] and they're like, yeah, penguins. Also very true. They're like a shittier version of the Green Army men from Toy Story. The whole bit is that they're like Roger Roger and they're always on missions. They take everything very seriously. That doesn't sound funny.

[00:50:52] They made a whole movie about them? They made a four season TV show and then went like, this is such a rich dynamic. Oh, but fuck, we can't make a movie without stepping over the toes of the chronology. Of the Noah Baumbach scripted Madagascar universe. Yeah.

[00:51:06] So then they made a movie that has nothing to do with the TV show which has nothing to do with the original movie. I don't accept this. Nope. All good. So war horse. What do you guys think of the European accents

[00:51:16] but in English that are like sort of like sketch, comedy, like subtle? That's true. Okay, so we can point that out because the horse in this battle gets captured by the Germans. Germans are, yeah, they're just like, oh it's a good horse. We have caught the horses.

[00:51:33] Now we fight the war. Like they just speak English. There's not even an attempt. And here's the craziest thing about the accents in this movie. All of them are at like Pierre Lescargo level. Right? It's like the voice cast of Ratatouille.

[00:51:45] Right, but they also all are played by people actually of that nationality. They're all played by German actors. Yes. And same with the French actors. Like all of that is insane. But they're like, oh yes. Yeah right, if Niels Astrub is just like,

[00:51:56] I'm in France and my daughter, my granddaughter she is a bone broken. Right, but Niels Astrub is like fucking Belgian. Speak French. Little Miss Glass. Fluently and meanwhile he's giving like a fucking Garofalo performance. Hey, Garofalo is great in Ratatouille. Yeah she is, but like that's part

[00:52:12] of the hype and reality of that movie. So captured by two German boys, one of whom is the literal fuck boy from the reader. That's right. Yeah. Guess what? They love this one. They wanna fuck this fucking horse. They just fought this terrible battle with the Brits

[00:52:33] and like, you know, mowed them all down with guns. And then their first thought is like, check this out. I liked it. That's the thing that everyone can agree on during a war is like this one horse. I really wanna fuck it. Is that the metaphor?

[00:52:46] It's like, you know what? I don't think it's a metaphor. Well right, even in war, like we're all gonna wanna fuck the same horse. There's always gonna be things that unite us as people. Like as a race of humans, you know, as a species.

[00:53:00] This is the human condition. And you realize that we wanna fuck this fucking lot of horse. And to a lesser extent that other horse that's also pretty cute. You almost feel like if the horse could talk this movie could become less Estrada. Yes, yes.

[00:53:14] Like the horse could just be like, no one fucks me until the war stops and the war would stop immediately. We should also note that, yes, at this point, Benedict Cumberbatch's black stallion horse also is sort of in the action as like horse number two.

[00:53:30] It's a good love triangle. Yeah, cause Joseph Cross is like, love both of these horses. They're good horses. And the German guys even like, hey, you're good with the horses. You keep the horses. Yes, yes. And he's like, can my brother help me with the horses?

[00:53:45] He's like, what? No, like it's crazy that one person would be in charge of the horses. He gets to go to the front. Right, the black stallion is kind of the Julia Roberts to Joey's Cameron Diaz and the entire human race is Dermot Mulroney.

[00:54:00] Okay, okay, now I'm following you. You know? Okay, who's Rupert Everett? Nauseastro. Uh-huh. Okay. So now they have the horse. So now there's like a German horse drama. Right. This is where the movie, I'm just like bored out of my mind.

[00:54:19] This is where the horse becomes a traitor, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Oh by the way, no one ever court marshals this horse were fighting for the Germans. Right, and start selling secrets too. The horse is like, yo, Loki. We should also mention

[00:54:31] that the horse has a little bandana. Yeah. Cute. What do you think? A little bit of flair. I do not remember this. Jeremy Irvine like puts a bandana on the horse. Yeah, I was definitely asleep. And he's like, that's my special bandana for you.

[00:54:43] Right, so you can track the horse in the movie. So he knows which one to fuck. Right, the brown one. Yeah. The Germans hide out in a... White sock. White socks. Big Chicago. Yeah, the Germans, so one of the Germans is 14

[00:54:57] and he doesn't want his younger brother to, you know, the older one doesn't want, Joseph Cross doesn't want the 14 year old to go to the line. So instead he's like, we're gonna run away. Guess what? On these two horses, to Italy. Hide out in a windmill.

[00:55:09] We're gonna hide out in a windmill just for the night with the horses. Makes no goddamn sense at all. Talk about sex a lot. Yeah, let's talk about all the fucking we're gonna do. But also like weirdly implied that all Italian women are fat. Right.

[00:55:20] Which like, come on man, it's like 1914, everyone's skinny. Yeah. There's not a lot of food. Yeah. They also wrestle a bunch. It feels like they're just trying to fuse the sexual tension of both them wanting to fuck this horse. Like they're like, let's talk about women. Yes, women.

[00:55:38] And then they get executed. Yes. Like that. And is this the moment where you see that from the horse's eye? Yes. Jesus Christ. You see it reflected in the eye of the horse. Yep. I want the entire movie to be reflected that way. That'd be great.

[00:55:55] What if it was literally only shot from what the horse is seeing but you only see the reflection in the eye? If that's HOV movies. Horse of you. I would give the movie five stars. Right. It would be a masterpiece. Yes, it would be a good movie.

[00:56:11] But I would call it from the eye of a horse. Right. Yeah, horse eye. Yeah. So, okay. Yeah. All right. So now the horse is free, I guess. Yeah. And then the horse goes to live on a farm. Right. With a French guy who makes jam.

[00:56:31] Well, first of all, let's not breeze past this pilot. What would Wanda Sykes the horse be saying in this German sexual tension windmill section of the film? I'm not going to do another Wanda Sykes impression. It's not making pilots do Wanda Sykes impression. It's a little asus.

[00:56:46] I really was annoyed. You're the one who picked Wanda Sykes. It's true. Don't say that. I didn't give you an actor. Look at how mad he got. Make the horse fucking germy irons for all I care. I did like,

[00:56:57] I was a little annoyed that Blackish is not spinning off Wanda Sykes just because I want to have her on show again. As a horse. That'd be great. So now the horse lives on a jam farm with a jam man played by Neal Zarastra

[00:57:15] who had just been in the profit. She's graded. Five different movies. Really? It is five movies. Yes, it is. And we are in movie four now. The jam movie. Yeah. Each movie feels like baby Spielberg. Each movie is like,

[00:57:31] here's Spielberg trying to say something about the human condition. Oh fuck I only have 25 minutes to do it. Let me do the most movie I possibly can. In 25 minutes and then thus the movie's still going to feel super long but also completely lacking in anything.

[00:57:43] This is like the Michael Bay movie of Steven Spielberg movies. I would love to have someone who likes this movie because I'd love to have it explained to me because yeah, this is my problem with it. I kind of get it. Like it's so classical. It's so sincere.

[00:57:55] It's so straightforward. I understand how one could like this movie but it feels like Spielberg is overloading everything at every moment. I agree. Let me... Every character's explaining what the horse means. I think it's marketed to people who are fans of war movies

[00:58:09] and also fans of B.C. Alley. I think that's like the best Venn diet. Which is about $79 million in the box up is apparently so, you know? Right. All right. The Jam Man. Yeah. He makes jams. Yeah. His daughter's got brittle bones. Granddaughter. Her parents are dead.

[00:58:27] Her parents died resisting the war or something. Yes. I don't know. We don't really know. Right. The guy's like, I'm a coward. I didn't fight. And it's like, man, you're an old man who makes jam. What are you supposed to do? Germany occupies France right now.

[00:58:40] At least the northern part. Like come on. Like what's he supposed to have done? He's looking after nice girl. What's her name? Untilled Netflix horse mystery. And then it's just 20 minutes of this shit. I don't know how else, what else do you say about it?

[00:58:56] She wants to ride the horse and he's like, don't ride that horse. She wants to ride the horse. He's like, it's a bad idea. And she, the Germans come steal all her jam. Okay.

[00:59:04] So I had checked out so far in this movie at this point that I did not know she had like brittle bone syndrome. Yeah. I thought like her grandfather was really protective of that horse. We're just like, I don't want you to nab my horse.

[00:59:14] I don't want you hurting that horse. I did not know it was like a medical reason. Get your butt off of the horse. Because it's like, she is like, I discovered these horses in the windmill. Cahote much? Like her first joke is like, hey. Oh yeah, right.

[00:59:28] She makes it down. Maybe they read Don Quixote. Right, right. Okay, fine. And there's nothing else. Terry Gilliam. Neil Zyrnstrom's a good actor. Yeah. He's fine. He had just won the New York Film Critics Circle Award. He's been a prophet two years ago. He's fantastic.

[00:59:41] He got the surprise critics award and then the day after Spielberg was like, I cast him. Yeah, war horse. Like it fell into this category of like someone discovers like an actor of another nationality gives him a key supporting part. And Spielberg's like, I've grabbed him.

[00:59:54] Yeah, he'll be a grandfather. Right, right. It's like Kumar Pallana in the terminal. What's his pants in Munich? Yes. Yeah, Michael Lonstel or whatever. Yes, and Amerique and all of them. Right. So... Guy pops in a foreign film. The whole Germans come and take the horse.

[01:00:11] Like what else am I supposed to say about this? You know the horse isn't going to live on jam land forever. He finally lets the girl ride her horse on her birthday. And when she does, the Germans take the horse. He just dies. The boat is great completely.

[01:00:24] I thought it was going to be Casper. The first time I saw this, I thought it was going to be a setup where like Casper just wants the sled. He finally gets the sled. He gives himself hypothermia and he dies. Is that how Casper dies?

[01:00:32] Yeah, Casper's the most fucked up movie of all time. I have seen Casper. Okay, the first half of the movie, Casper can't remember how he died and Christina Ricci won't stop asking him. And she's like, how did you die? And he's like, I don't fucking know.

[01:00:45] And then they uncover his father's basement where the father died trying to build a machine to bring people back to life through a magical potion and a Rube Goldberg series of like contraptions. And then through that machine, they uncover his secret bedroom where it all

[01:00:59] comes back to him. And the story is the Casper wanted a sled more than anything. And every day he's begged his dad for the sled and he never got it. And then one morning he woke up and the sled was there and he was like,

[01:01:09] Dad, why do you give this to me? And he's like, because you're such a nice boy. And he went out and had the most fun he had ever had in his life. Riding the sled then got hypothermia and immediately died.

[01:01:18] His father went mad trying to bring him back to life. And Casper now lives alone in a house with three bully ghosts who fuck with him day in and day out. Is this just a cautionary tale against asking for gifts?

[01:01:28] Yes, he's too nice and he got punished for that. They're his fucking cousins who moved in with him after they died. And now he's just obsessed with Christina Ricci and wishes that he could be with her, but he can't because she's a ghost and she

[01:01:42] has a crush on a human boy. And at the end of the movie they get together the material for one fucking life potion, but they have to spend it on Bill Pullman because he gets drunk with the ghost and falls down a sewer. Do you remember that?

[01:01:58] I also remember that when the ghosts eat it just falls through them into like a pile of food on the floor. And then Christina Ricci's mother who's also dead but is an angel because ghosts can become angels if they no longer

[01:02:08] have unfinished business says to Casper because he did a selfless thing, he can be human for one hour. And then he kisses Christina Ricci. He's Devon Sawa, he kisses her, they levitate and then he goes back to being a ghost. Pilot opinions on Devon Sawa.

[01:02:25] Okay, fucking love Devon Sawa. For some reason I knew that was gonna be a yes. Well okay because he's in the M&M video and he plays Stan like how can you not love Devon Sawa? That's true, he does play Stan who murders Dido. The original Stan.

[01:02:37] I would say his best roles are the Stan video and then Casper which apparently I have to rewatch and then that's it. What about Idol Hand? That feels like a real teen pilot. Yeah but that's more like Jessica, not like Devon Sawa. He's like, fuck.

[01:02:49] Yeah, I just remember the like garage door scene where someone gets crushed or something. Well also that happens in Scream as well. A lot of garage doors crushing people were really afraid of garage doors in the 90s. What about Wild America? Do you remember that?

[01:03:01] Is that what Lions? It was like a boy buffet movie. It was like I think Devon Sawa. Was it John Thomas? Scott Bearstow. He was the third one? Yeah. I thought it was one of the Lawrence brothers. That was basically just like sponsored by J-14X.

[01:03:17] No, that's it, that's it. Francis Fisher. It's just them in the wilderness meeting animals. Going hello how do you do Mr. Bear? I'm reading so by the way it's um, the cast list is here and everyone's name is given except for Zach Ward as DC.

[01:03:31] This is written in the Wikipedia page. Who's really more of a punk affiliate rather than a friend of the Stofer Brothers? He just likes to get involved with them over matters that involve danger. I don't know who wrote that. I'd love to meet him.

[01:03:42] I know who wrote that. The director of Wild America. William Deere? Yes. Alright, who also directed Harry and the Henderson? Oh. Alright, War Horse. War Horse. So they steal horse from Jam Man. Right. And then it's meanest time for the horse.

[01:03:57] Now people are not being nice to the horse. After people who wanted to fuck the horse for a while. The horse never gave it up. It's true. Credit to the horse. Yeah, now this is section of the movie.

[01:04:07] Now a fat German guy falls in love with the horse and his job is just to tie horses to artillery and they have to drag the artillery. But this is like the men's right section of the movie where it's like all these horses are,

[01:04:19] all the people are like this horse is a fucking prude. Has it given it to anyone? That's true. Barely fights in the war. True. Like it's just... Doesn't fight in the war. It's just baiting us. It was in one charge I guess. This horse is baiting us.

[01:04:30] In the one charge. The horse is dressed. Yes. Like those white socks. The entire fucking movie. Except for those white socks though. So the horse... Then the horse... Well, the horse runs away. Yeah. Right? I don't know. The horse? There's another 20 minutes of this shit.

[01:04:48] Runs straight into barbed wire. Oh yeah, no fuck that scene. So this is clearly what trip pilots... Yeah. No, I almost stopped watching. So it's a rough scene. So my guess is when the puppet does this it's a little different. But in the real movie,

[01:04:59] the horse like escapes from its German captors. Who are going to tie it to some artillery. Yeah. Runs away and you're like, Go horse go! Runs into like no man land. This is during the battle of the Sump. So like four years have passed. Yeah.

[01:05:12] So I guess horse lived with jam man for a while. Yes. Alright. And then gets caught in some barbed wire and then he's stuck. And then he just keeps going into more barbed wire over and over. Like this is not a smart horse.

[01:05:22] Like it's clearly a really stupid horse. It's a good call, not a smart horse. No. Like you can't go to war if you're like you're going to barbed wire. This is a horse who's been in war for four years and still doesn't know how barbed wire works.

[01:05:32] And it's World War One, which is the barbed wire war. That's also a fucking turncoat. Like can't pick a side. Well okay, so here's the thing. None of this movie has been plausible. Right? None of it has been remotely plausible. Toby Kebbell sees like a glimpse

[01:05:49] of this horse basically just a mound. You know just like a shadowy figure on no man's land. Can't... He wants to fuck the horse so bad that he climbs into no man's land into like the front of the German guns just to get a look at this horse.

[01:06:06] Yeah. That's all that happens. Like here's where I should go. Toby Kebbell was like, looks like there's a horse up there and his commanding officer is like, yeah okay, I mean like... They don't even think it's a horse at first. Yeah first thing they say,

[01:06:18] guy and they're like, no it's a horse. And he should be like... He's like, well if it's a horse we gotta get it. Well you see... Why would you go get it? You see this long run of Joey running through a barbed wire fence after barbed wire fence.

[01:06:29] It's a little bit like the sideshow of Bob Rae Cruteen where any direction Joey turns and walks into another barbed wire fence. And then Joey's lying on the ground, right? Riving in pain, fade to black. Right. And that's like the first time

[01:06:43] Spielberg has really done something like that in the movie. That's the end of the first act. Right, perfect. Now there's four hours left in the movie. And then when it fades up it's Toby Kebbell in the foxhole with the periscope. Oh someone's moving out there. What is it?

[01:06:56] Oh it's a horse. Ah god damn it. I'm gonna go out there. I'm definitely gonna go look at this horse. Right. And then... The Germans are like, what's he doing? Looking at a horse? Shoot him. So I think this is the one good section of the movie.

[01:07:09] I hate this. Oh god, I hate this. No, I can't believe you like this. I like this. So then a German comes out and they meet at the horse and he's like, looks like a horse. And the Germans are like, yeah it's a horse. Everyone comes together

[01:07:21] and they're like, what the fuck is this? They cut the horse free and then they're like... They make out the horse. Literally both of them are like now I get to fuck the horse and they flip a coin over who gets to fuck the horse. Eiffel Tower.

[01:07:31] I try to be civil. The specific I want to throw out is when the German calls for more bolt cutters, wire cutters and it's like they throw 20. They really want to fuck the horse. I think this scene is the movie that Spielberg wanted to make. Sure, that's arguable.

[01:07:50] The Hiddleston stuff is to me what the movie should be. See, I think this is a movie where everything the movie's trying to do in two and a half hours is negated by the fact that it sums up all of its themes in one eight minute section.

[01:08:04] And its themes are war's silly and... Horses are cool. Yeah, we should just like horses. Let's focus on things that unite us rather than divide us. Like horses. And that's how the war ended. Like that scene ended. Yeah, right. But this is also... There was this great horse.

[01:08:18] This is the only scene in the movie that's conversational. It's the only scene where the characters, everything they're saying... What about the time those two German brothers talked about how fat Italian women are? Guys. I'll give you that. Yeah. But I'm trying to forget that scene.

[01:08:31] But like this is... They're squabbling over how to cut the horse free. They're not talking about what the horse represents. No, it's a cute scene. It's the one scene in the movie that isn't like super fucking on the nose. Yeah, but then the horse gets up

[01:08:42] and they're like quite a horse. And they say a lot about the horse. And then he says war horse like 12 times. He says, sure is a war horse. But I even just think... I think that moment where Kebel gets out from the foxhole, goes to the front lines,

[01:08:55] cuts the horse free and then you slowly in the background of the shot see the German appear from the fog and expect like... He's gonna get caught. Right? His humanity, his empathy for this horse has fucked him over and the other guy's like, so don't cut that.

[01:09:09] And he's like what? And he's like, it will snap back this and that. You must cut this part of the horse. Two men trying to ignore the war at hand and just talk about the horse. And I find this a little... A little effective.

[01:09:20] At some point during all this, there's also the scene where Jeremy Irvine's back. He's in the war now. That happens right after they cut the horse. Right. And then they invade the German trench and then they get like attacked with gas. Jeremy Irvine's simpleton friend

[01:09:34] gets gas to death. Irvine survives what he's blinded. Temporarily. This is the other part I was confused about. Right. Because I remember they're like Bob Dwyer and then suddenly he was blind and I didn't realize something happened in between that because I was just like fuck this.

[01:09:47] I'm no longer watching this movie from Bob Dwyer. And then suddenly he's blind. There's a gas attack but it's just one day blindness so that he can accurately describe the horse's entire body in this scene where the horse is now... Like the war is over.

[01:10:04] And the horse is in like a horse hospital with their people. It's in a people hospital, I guess. A vet? Well, but there's no vet. It's just in the people hospital and then two more people fall in love with the horse. Yeah. Eddie Morrison and Liam Cunningham.

[01:10:17] Can I say one more thing about the Barbed Wire sequence before we fully move on? No, no, no. Because this is important. This is important. This is important. I think a thing that worked against the movie was like this was one of the like most

[01:10:31] humane animal films ever made. They didn't put the horse in any actual dangerous situations and anytime the horse is in danger it's either CGI or like the best fucking animatronic ever created. You can fall down a YouTube rabbit hole of watching the animatronic test for the horse,

[01:10:47] which is... They're unbelievable. It's like the best robotics that have ever been made. And so the whole Barbed Wire sequence is a robot horse that they pulled off so well that it's uncomfortable to watch. Like it's a weird like Uncanny Valley that they actually conquered

[01:11:02] so that if the horse looked more fake that would be less upsetting to watch because you'd accept it as like movie magic. But the way it is you're just watching it the whole time and you're like, what do they have to put this horse through?

[01:11:13] Look, the horse is... Not just the character but the actual horse on set but they actually didn't do any of that. Okay fine. I don't care. I just think that's interesting especially because at the time we're recording this it's a week after Dr. Perkis came out.

[01:11:24] Okay then maybe I'll just speak to myself but watching it in theaters the first time I was like Jesus Christ they had to fucking like to make this horse cry this much. We'll get to... I didn't see this film at theaters. I saw it on a plane.

[01:11:36] I went to the fucking premiere of this film. Wow. I saw this horse. It was a horse there. Yes. Walk the red carpet. Clop, clop, clop, clop. They premiered this film at Lincoln Center where in the theater where Warwickers the play happened

[01:11:50] and Spielberg like gave like a 15 minute speech before the movie. Jesus. And yeah. It was weird. All right good for you Stevie. Yeah. Chintin was better. He introduced his cast as the players. He said they had a great company in this movie.

[01:12:03] I mean excited to introduce the players. So the horse, they like the horse. They love the horse. I like that when he describes a horse it's basically like a 15 year old boy who memorized a centerfold. Yes it is. That is exactly how it sounds. Yeah.

[01:12:20] He's got like a divot in his head and white socks and God knows what else he says about this horse. He's got this little tattoo. They're gonna shoot the horse right? And then he's blind but he starts whistling and then they react. Right no it's not for good.

[01:12:33] He goes like... As you just do randomly. Right. So you're like oh this is what the movie's about. So he's reunited with the horse but then we have one more auction scene where Jam Man returns to be like I bid all my jam for the horse.

[01:12:47] Has walked here for his... A life of jam. His windmill in France? Yeah I guess so. And Jeremy Irvine and like then he buys the horse he paid a hundred pounds for the horse. He says... The horse immediately walks to Jeremy Irvine which is a dick move.

[01:13:02] They're bidding now like kebbles at the auction. Marzans at the auction. A recited Irvine is at the auction right? Right. So it's like all our favorite friends are back trying to buy this horse. And it's like bidding like oh 20, 30, 40 and Allstrap just comes in as like a hundred.

[01:13:21] Yeah. Like he goes crazy. And he gives the whole speech he's like and if you do not let me I will spell my farm and I'll sell my clothes to him. Wait I want to know the current US equivalent of how much they paid for this horse. Yeah.

[01:13:34] Oh can you... I want to know if it's worth or not. What's a hundred guineas? David's looking it up. But he buys the horse and is very adamant about like I'm not giving up this horse I bought this horse for my granddaughter. I know this horse so well.

[01:13:49] I heard legend of this horse. I came all the way here just to buy this horse. I got here within three days of hearing this story. Right? Yeah. And I bought it for my granddaughter and they were like oh what's your granddaughter do she's like she's dead.

[01:14:04] I'm sorry I'm really trying hard to find this. Yes. And Jeremy it's like you know I know you want this horse maybe you spent time with this horse but this is my horse. You know maybe you rode this horse in war but this is my horse.

[01:14:16] And he marzons like this boy didn't ride the horse in war he trained the horse this is his horse. He didn't train him very well. No. And then I was off strap it's like oh okay never mind here's the horse. Can we rewind for a second? Yeah.

[01:14:29] When did this girl die? Okay she died off screen. Yes. And the implication is of a broken heart. Yeah. I believe. Not a broken heart. He says the war took everything. Okay 100 pounds in 1918 6,250 pounds now. It's a lot of money. Yeah it's like $10,000. $9,000 yeah. So 30 pounds is about $2,000.

[01:14:50] Wow. That's too much for a horse. $2,000. Sure. It's a lot of money. How much is a horse cost? I mean a horse is actually pretty expensive but like I don't know I feel like if you just want a fuckle horse like you can find a cheaper one. Yeah.

[01:15:04] Apparently a horse costs about no that's how much it costs to own a horse which is about $2,000 because you need a stable you need hay. Yeah. I can go on. Well there's that famous phrase the famous phrase don't buy the horse

[01:15:18] when you can have its cock for free and this movie doesn't abide by that. Oh my god. This movie is about man's fondling. It's the exact opposite they keep buying a horse they never get the cock. They never get the cock. That's true.

[01:15:30] Is that what the point of the movie is like you can't buy this horse you might try. It's just you can't buy love that's the entire thesis. You have to earn it. You have to earn it. By sending the horse to war. Yes. By sending it to war.

[01:15:40] If you send your love to war you are an ultimate neg. Woo. The ultimate nay he might say. Yes. So is this just a And then at the end of the movie it's like Jeremy Irvine gets the horse and right. It's just a pickup artist movie.

[01:15:52] 20 minute like love scene. It's great. Is this just a pickup artist movie? Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's why that's why it was not my best picture at the Academy Awards. Geez. War horse. We get a horse back and that's it. There's a sunset. Yeah.

[01:16:08] There's like a sunset and two minutes of the horse's face. The most color. Yeah. The most music. Yeah. The most sun. The most horse. It's just everything at every moment. Horse. Horse. We've said horse. Thousands of times. Literally thousands. It's a war horse ain't it.

[01:16:24] Did you see how horse you're talking about? Yeah this horse been the wife. It's a war horse I'd say. Are you done? War horse. It opened number seven of the box office. We did this game for Tintin so we can't do it again.

[01:16:35] We can't do the box office game, but we did horses. Right. So that worked. Why would... This is so boring. Like to shoot this even. He's just filming a horse for like half a year. Maybe he wanted to film a horse. That's terrible.

[01:16:49] I want to know what's going on with this. That's terrible. I want to know what's going on with horse. Do you think he fell in love with horses later in life and that's why he suddenly... Maybe. Maybe it's like his midlife crisis was that horse. That specific horse.

[01:17:07] Do you think he said to his agent one day he was like, hey if anything crosses your desk with horses in it just let me know. That horse became like his civil shepherd. Yeah right. What if he had ruined his career just making more vehicles for this horse?

[01:17:21] Yeah right. He's like, I don't know man. I think Abraham Lincoln could use like a horse character. People are like this horse is conclusively not a movie star. He's like it hasn't gotten the right project yet. Ready player horse. Let's see. Bridge of horses. Bridge of horses.

[01:17:43] Three months of horse training before they shot the movie. Oh my god the horse wrangling behind the scenes. 280 horses were used in one scene. What do you think Crash Services was like? Do you think they had a bunch of apples and carrots?

[01:17:58] Oh an animatronic horse was used for the barbed wire. I said that. That's what I was saying. We weren't listening to you. Yeah I know. You knew at the time. Yeah. John Williams took inspiration by visiting some horses. Just some horses. Jesus. I just need California.

[01:18:24] I just went to see some horses. Just went up to a horse farm like hey can I look at your horses for a bit? And then they just made music in his brain. I cannot deal with the score to this film. It's really bad.

[01:18:36] I think the main theme is kind of lovely. I think listen there were I was I'll make a confession. I was playing a lot of cell phone games while watching this movie on my couch. And I could pretty much visualize every shot by listening to the score.

[01:18:49] What cell phones games are you playing? Come on. I'm playing a game called Disney Emoji Blitz. You have to match emojis with Disney characters and if you do they become happy emojis and if you don't they become sad emojis. That sounds really bad.

[01:19:04] We're recording this in January which means they have a special event going on which is Mulan Chinese New Year. So Mulan and Mushu have double power. I played a game called Bubble Witch Saga 3 for a while but it wasn't enough of a saga.

[01:19:18] I was playing a restaurant story too when I was watching this movie. Okay cool. This is a real cell phone game. Yeah it's a real cell phone game. You only need to look up every 30 minutes and know what's happening.

[01:19:28] Yeah I just saw a triple X which like I wish could you know I should have seen that at home playing with my cell phone. Well that's wrong it's a masterpiece. We will cover it on our miniseries the films of Vin Diesel.

[01:19:39] DJ Caruso it's a DJ Caruso joint. I want to do the franchises of Vin Diesel as a miniseries. How many horses are in triple X? Zero. Doesn't sound like a real movie. Agreed. But I mean come on. Come on Donnie Young. I'm like a stallion.

[01:19:58] Look I got no opinion on Donnie N's. Genitals? I got no opinion. But I think he's great otherwise and I feel like yeah we've run out of steam. Like that's it right? Pilot what do you want to talk about? Let's pick some topics.

[01:20:14] No I want to keep talking about horses. Okay. Like there was not one single shot of a horse erection in the two and a half hour movie about horses which I feel like is false. Yeah. There's always a lot of horse erections on horse farms.

[01:20:26] Yeah Freddie Got Fingert is one of the few movies that covers that correctly. Yes if you want to talk about Freddie Got Fingert I can do that. I would love to. That's one of my absolute favorite movies. Not surprising. It's a real pilot movie.

[01:20:35] David where do you stand on Freddie Got Fingert? Saw it when it came out 2001. Yes. It was disturbed. I have not seen it again. And where do you stand on Freddie Got Fingert? I like re-watched it recently and I was sort of surprised. I mean it's great.

[01:20:51] I loved it when it first came out. I was sort of surprised like this is fucking disturbing. It's very disturbing but it's also really funny. But like the sense of humor it's still like my wheelhouse just absurd gross.

[01:21:02] I re-watched the Bum Bum song which when I was 13 I thought was the funniest fucking thing in the world and I was like looking at my watch. I was literally like alright we get it you put your bum on things. Rip Torn showed up. And did that movie.

[01:21:17] To get drenched in elephant calm. Yeah like all the gross things. Rip Torn goes for it. You know Rip Torn almost robbed a bank one time. I did know that. And then it turned out the defense was that he thought he was in his home.

[01:21:30] And apparently every time he walks into his home he takes out a gun and says give me all your money. That was truly the defense in court. Hell yeah. Yeah but Freddie Got Fingert. Freddie Got Fingert I have seen over 100 times. That's a lot of times.

[01:21:46] In my defense at one point my roommate was doing a stop motion film for her film class and Freddie Got Fingert was on in the background so she had to keep re-watching it and re-watching it. And it was like the best day of my life.

[01:21:57] There is a moment where Freddie Got Fingert where Tom Green is driving down the road and he sees a bunch of farmers trying to make the horse erect so they can extract its semen. He stops his car, pulls over, gets out, grabs the horse cock.

[01:22:10] The erect horse penis wiggles it about and goes wa wa wa. It says whatever Tom Green thing. And there's a close up of the horse's penis. In his hand it is not fake. And then he gets back in the car and the movie continues. That's true.

[01:22:24] Which is basically the pot of war horse. Alright, alright. Okay that's good. That's a good ending spot there. They could have included that as the making of War Horse on the DVD. If Tom Green was in this movie I'd give it an extra star. Yeah.

[01:22:38] As it is three stars could use more horse. Is there a game we can play in lieu of the box office game? I know you said the horse thing but what would be... What would be? You would beat my voices dying.

[01:22:51] What would be a fun like horse related game? Okay, pilot. I don't know. Pilots, I'm gonna give you an animal. Like you're gonna actually give me an animal? Yes. Sweet. If you win this game. Okay.

[01:23:07] The game is I'm gonna name an animal and you tell me what talking animal franchise you would construct around that animal. Okay? Sure. Okay so you have to figure out like what's the right setting for that. You usually play improv games on her podcast.

[01:23:23] I know but I feel like this is gonna really... I know it sounds like I'm putting you on the spot but what I'm trying to do is... What's the fuck? Just say it Jesus. Okay Flamingo. I think it would definitely be a gymnast. Cool.

[01:23:38] And it would be just like this little teen flamenco gymnast trying to make it to the Olympics but then turns out she has eating disorder. It's really dark in the middle. Okay so the whole film, the flamingo is a good gymnast. That's not the struggle.

[01:23:50] It's not an underdog story. Is there a mean mom? It's self-acceptance. Oh it's a mean mom. It's self-acceptance. And the mother probably had eating disorder as well right and unconsciously passed it along to the daughter just through her like micro like aggressions and her actions.

[01:24:02] Do you guys remember The Devil Inside? Yeah. Yeah. No. Just looking at the other movies War Horse went up against the box office. There was a film for this movie with the woman with the lip. Yeah she had a little cross on her lip.

[01:24:16] The poster was for one of those Catholic heart movies. Okay. Pilot, what franchise would you build around a parakeet? Definitely a wrapper. And it's also true. Okay now in this world are there a lot of animal wrappers or is this parakeet

[01:24:35] existing trying to break into the human wrap world? It's basically eight mile but the parakeet is M&M and then all the other parakeets happen to be black. Okay. And you just have to go up against them and prove his worth as a parakeet.

[01:24:47] Okay so it's about a parakeet prejudice. Yes. Parakeet on parakeet prejudice. Sure. Okay grasshopper. Enough. I like this. I don't. Really? Okay. Contraband, that was another movie. That movie did weirdly well. That was about Mark Wahlberg tying money to his tummy.

[01:25:06] I used to have a hot take on that movie and I totally forgot it. I remember sitting in the theater and being like this movie is a six but I think there's a good take on it. Underworld Awakening. Yeah.

[01:25:15] I apparently did not go to the movies this year. The Grey. Did you see the Grey? Did you get the wolf one? Yeah. I haven't seen it. I really want to fuck those wolves. That movie is really good. Chronicle, the Woman in Black. Andrew.

[01:25:29] Do you remember that in Chronicle? Uh, vaguely. When Day in the Han goes bad, the other guy just keeps on yelling at him. Is Day in the Han's flying in the sky shooting lightning bolts everywhere? He just goes, Andrew. Like it's like stop it, Andrew.

[01:25:43] Still, um, still think the Woman in Black sequel should have been called The Woman Back in Black. And that's the end of the podcast. Come on, wrap it up. Great. Pilot, thank you so much for being here. Where can people follow your work? Um, at Vice.

[01:26:00] You go to Vice.com and search for Pilot. Probably the only one there. Also on Twitter, PilotVegan. Yup. Uh, is Pilot Inspector Rizdy Lee no longer working advice? No, we fired him because I could only be one. I met him once? No. Yes. He's my enemy. Really? Yes.

[01:26:23] Because of the name? Yes, exactly. I was here first. This is the son of Jason Lee. Oh, I'm aware of who Pilot's actually is. And Beth, Risecraft. She's a, uh, unerred pilot with her. And she was an incredibly nice woman. Yup.

[01:26:37] Uh, had a really nice time working with her. Yup. Um, and, uh, one day we were sitting at the cafeteria together having lunch. Yeah. And she said like, oh, my son's on set today. You want to meet my son? I said sure.

[01:26:49] And she brought him over and she said, this is Pilot Inspector. And I had like failed to put together the entire time that she was the mother of Pilot. But when I met degli, um, cheaply and I had such a hard time fucking talking to him.

[01:27:02] It's very hard to like have, that be one of your go to joke references is just someone's name. And you have to look them in the eyes and be like, You're a 12-year-old person. Hello Pilot Inspector. Yes. And how was piloted? Nice boy.

[01:27:15] I could take a minute if I? Yeah, you definitely could. Even though he looks very gentle but again as golden girls. Yes. Sweet kid though. Sweet kid. Sweet kid.

[01:27:26] You are weird Scientologists right yeah, yeah too bad remember that show where you played an Elvis impersonator in a cop a Memphis blues correct All right great to have you pilot always the best. Thanks for talking about this hot horse. So angry like exhausted

[01:27:42] Good horse. It's a little hot in here. It's cold outside. It's cold. Maybe it's cool Thank you all for I say I feel like I shouldn't do this wrap up because it's so everyone at this point Like please stop Deleted this podcast

[01:27:57] Thanks everyone for coming talking about that walkable horse. Sorry for my horse. Yeah, Joey the hot horse Thank me with his pilot and as always Yeah, keep fucking that horse. I don't know That'll do that will do horse. I mean I'll say David

[01:28:19] I was really dreading this episode and then you now have given it a read that I Find it and what everyone wants to fuck the whole yeah, that's the only way the movie makes sense Yeah, maybe did people love horses that much in the

[01:28:33] 19 teens but they don't pay attention to any other horse in the movie They don't care that people are dying. No, they just care about the goddamn horse I'll say this warhorse has the shortest quotes page

[01:28:49] I've ever seen on 9 to be what is the court? It's six. It's six quotes. I've never seen this Joey horse. Yeah One of the quotes is well look at you Another quote is be brave be brave

[01:29:09] This has been a UCB comedy production check out our other shows on the UCB comedy podcast network